3 Ways I Coped With A Cheating Boyfriend

In She Speaks by Amanda Rubeck45 Comments

3 Ways I Coped With A Cheating Boyfriend

3 Ways I Coped With A Cheating Boyfriend

I never thought in a million years I would ever be cheated on. Unfortunately, just last year I was blindsided when someone I deeply loved, who I admired and effortlessly dated did what I though was the unthinkable. I was betrayed by a man I who adored me, who would never even think of hurting me and more importantly, would never be unfaithful to me.

The worst part was I was told by a woman I did not know. She informed me she was the “other woman” and that my Prince Charming had been continuously unfaithful to me for almost a year. I died inside immediately. My spirit, faith and confidence perished all at once. It was hard to just breathe and walk let alone call a friend and cry harder than ever before. How would I smile again? How would I get back my positivity and confidence? Will I be able to trust people again especially men? Those were all questions among many others running through my head daily. Eventually I found the answers and in return found myself. Little did I know that one of my darkest days would also be the beginning of a beautiful and brighter future.

If I can get through being cheated on I am 100% sure all women can as well. Yes it was extremely difficult and at times seemingly impossible but I made it through. Listed below are the stages I went through and the steps I took to grieve, heal and grow. These stages may not hold true for everyone, but hopefully this will bring some comfort to someone who is in the same position I was in not too long ago. Ultimately, learning to find and explore our inner strength is something from which we all can benefit.

Stage one: Feeling the Pain.
I found out, let go and letting myself feel low…really darn low.
​First off, I immediately decided I never wanted to contact him again. I left him and did not respond to his one and only attempt to contact me (which was via email). That took almost every ounce of energy I had within me. With what energy was left I used it to cry. I cried, slept and cried for days literally to the point of being unable to cry anymore. Learning of his infidelity caused me to lose my appetite. I ate only what sounded good and I watched movies that would be mindless to watch. I surrounded myself with people that only were supportive and understanding (which also involved revealing who my real friends were). Going to work, coming home and going to bed felt like the best and most honest thing I could do for myself. Eventually I was able to take baby steps such as going for walks, eating more and learning to smile when things were actually funny. Seems weird to say now, but I had to honestly let myself be sad until I was finished grieving. This set me up for only moving onwards at my own pace and with a blank slate in a sense.

Stage two: Seeking professional help.
​About two weeks after that fateful day I researched and found a counselor. I wanted her to help me with not letting this event of someone lying and disrespecting me effect my future any more than what has been effected already. I needed her unbiased opinion to listen to me and let me work through my inner struggles. My friends and family could only help so much and I knew a professional would be the most proactive step to healing. There is no shame in seeking help, in fact it is empowering and signifies self-respect. Indeed it was a bit pricey but in a sense it was also priceless for how much she helped me.

Stage three: New Life
Finally, I was ready to learn how to flap my new wings and find my way down a new (my own) path.
​My counselor helped me come to the realization of the importance of keeping active with healthy hobbies and exercising my new wings. Immediately I enrolled in Crossfit (also great for meeting new faces and getting out some anger ;), I volunteered more in my community and bravely booked a solo trip to Europe. This all gave me reassurance that I was going to be “A-OK”. It also felt amazing to check off things on the ol’ bucket list! I still had my “rough days” but I knew of many healthy techniques for coping with sadness from my counselor. It was empowering to be able nurture myself, to say the least.

Amanda's trip to Europe!

Amanda’s trip to Europe!

Volunteering with Thriving Through Cancer

Volunteering with Thriving Through Cancer

Being cheated on was a terrible experience yet it catapulted me to the most beautiful journey in finding and exploring my empowered self. Life is a big adventure, but at the end of the day it’s all about what we make of the experiences along the way. Stay strong and remember that you are as powerful as you decide to be!

Comments

  1. Sam

    Thank you for sharing your story and your process. I can relate to this so closely. I have been the girl getting cheated on too. It was six years ago now and I took very similar steps to recover. The frustrating thing though is that it does effect how you look at other relationships and impacts on trust. I have a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic boyfriend now. We have been dating for about 8 months. He is honestly wonderful. But what my ex did is always in the back of my mind. I find myself constantly reminding myself that the amazing man I am with now didn’t do anything and I am letting fear and memories get in the way. That’s what I struggle with – the long term aftermath. I wish it would stop!

    1. Amanda

      Hello Sam,

      Thank you for taking the time to read the article and comment! I totally agree with you when it comes to how it changes your views on relationships. All we can do after we have grieved, healed and moved on is to give each person that comes our way a fair chance and always make sure we are happy and being honest with ourselves and others.
      I am happy to hear you have found a wonderful man and hope you know that you are a powerful woman that can get through anything if you set your mind to it!

      All the best,
      Amanda

  2. Julie Watts

    Excellent post and you are an inspiration for posting it! How we react to mistreatment defines who we are so much more than the fact that someone mistreated you in the first place. You dusted yourself off, and then continued on your journey of awesomeness. Well done! That’s how to do it!

    1. Amanda

      Thank you for the comment Julie!

      I would never wish upon anyone what happened but the outcome has been so beautiful! I knew I wanted to take the higher road and did not want this event to define my future. I hope this article (and message) inspires people to find their inner strength and love themselves enough to move on and UP!

      All the best,
      Amanda

  3. Roshan

    I am going through the exact thing u’ve gone through right now.
    Its the most painful thing i’ve experienced since we’ve been a couple for over 4 years and with plans of getting married.

    I thank God for letting me see this post. I know He has a wonderful purpose for everything that happens.

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    I am asking for ur help. Please pray for me t

    God bless!

    1. Amanda

      Hello Roshan,

      Thank you for your comment! I’m so sorry you have to go through such a terrible event like cheating. Please know that this level of pain is temporary and that you will get through this. It may take a few weeks, months or even years but you will get through this.

      Let yourself be sad and hurt right now and focus solely on you. Remember to make sure to keep your health in check and to be kind to yourself as much as possible. Surround yourself with Quality instead of a Quantity amount of people and when you’re ready take small baby steps towards moving on and UP do it with your inner power! I promise you will be a stronger and more confident person every little step you take forward.

      Also, I found an enormous amount of benefit from hiring a counselor. We met once a week for 3 months and I took all the “homework” she gave me very seriously. Homework like journal writing, daily walks, listening deeply to my inner voice and meditation were all very helpful for me.

      Hang in there and keep telling yourself you Will Get Through This! Mind over matter!!!

      All the best,
      Amanda

      1. Roshan

        Thank you Ms. Amanda.

        I appreciate everything you’ve said.

        I’ll try to be more positive with regards to my outlook in life.
        I’ll soon take those steps and will continually pray for the healing of not only my heart but also my soul.

        May God continue to bless you!

        You are an inspiration!

  4. Emily Eve

    Dear Amanda,

    Your strong and kind words bring comfort to me.

    It happened to me about a year ago. My boyfriend whom I love deeply and had my trust completely hurt me so bad but I chose to forgive him and give him another chance. I have trust issue now and it is hard on us. Some of my friend told me, once a cheater, always a cheater. I don’t want to live in fear and regrets. I’m trying to be strong.

    1. Amanda

      Thank you for your comment Emily,

      I’m so sorry that you have had this happen to you. Remember that he made a CHOICE to be unfaithful. We only have one (very beautiful but short) life to live. I wonder what the older you (sitting in the rocking chair with a cup of tea in hand) would say to you right now? I knew the old granny Amanda would have told me “Amanda you are a catch! You are a strong woman with so much to offer a man and especially the world! Many wonderful gentlemen would love to spend time with you if given the chance….so make room for the good eggs and out with the bad eggs.” 🙂
      With all rewarding outcomes there are difficult obstacles. I hope you can find your inner strength and confidence to put one foot in front of the other whichever route you choose. Just make sure it is what is best for YOU!

      All the best,
      Amanda

  5. pam

    Being betrayed is one of the worst feelings in the world and I love that you shared your process towards restoration of your own person. My story is very similar only I had been married 29 years when it happened to me. Dropped 40 pounds, cried like I have never cried before and finally sought help. Today 3 years later, I’ve been to Malawi twice, built a school in a village there and helped put in a well. I am also discovering I am a good artist and have had 3 successful art shows all of which have sold my paintings. I have 3 beautiful grown children and one sweet grandbaby, I wouldn’t trade places with the X if you paid me. Sure life is a bit of a struggle now but I know who I am and I like who I’ve become strong and growing stronger daily. 🙂

    1. Amanda

      Hello Pam and thank you for the comment,

      You sound like one incredibly strong woman! I cannot imagine what that would have been like after 29 years of marriage! What an inspiration to read that you have moved on and UP all while making accomplishments left and right! I hope that you keep the momentum going and know what an inspiration you are to many!

      All the best,
      Amanda

  6. Ashley

    I have never been in your situation but a few of my friends have. While reading this I was curious as to if now looking back, that you appreciate the girl telling you? I know at the time it must have been terrible but at the same time her honestly saved you from a bad relationship. So is it better to find out so you can get what you deserve or live in the dark and not know?

    1. Amanda

      Hi Ashely,

      I just now found I had more comments to my article. Sorry for the delay!
      To answer your question, I do appreciate the other woman telling me. It was more reason to never talk to the guy ever again! Granted she knew about me for a while and chose to still keep seeing him before telling me which is really yucky and not at all kind on her part.

      It has been years since this ordeal and while I now have an amazing catch of a man in my life (we’ve been together over 2 years!) I still think about this event from time to time. Not because I do not trust my now boyfriend, but because of it were not for my ex, I would have never had all these wonderful experiences nor would have met the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Everything happens for a reason is my firm belief!

  7. Amanda

    Hi Ashley and thank you for the comment,

    What a great question! When the “other woman” told me (via Facebook message) she notified me she knew he had a girlfriend after months of their “relations” and still waited to tell me. Not very kind I must say 😉

    But, to answer your question…YES I am thankful I know the truth. However, is there an ideal way to find out your love is a cheater…Nope, No way, Heck no!

    I never responded to her or contacted him again. Knowing was the only information I needed and after that it was all about washing my hands and healing from that mess.

    Thank you again for the question…very tricky!

    All the best,
    Amanda

  8. Amy

    WOW Amanda. How were you able to not talk to him again? That’s one of the hardest parts of “breaking up” no matter what end you’re on. Didn’t you want to ask him questions? Didnt you want to know from him, why or anything? Please share with us how you were able to maintain your conviction to not talk to him.

    I applaud you for your strength.

    Here are 3 ways i got over a cheating boyfriend:

    I cheated back.
    I called his best friend.
    I told everyone how bad he was.

    These only made me feel worse, so I’m glad to have a 3 step process for the next time some loser cheats on me.

    ~Amy

    1. Amanda

      Hi Amy and thank you for you comment!

      I would love to answer your question on “how was I able to not talk to him again”

      To be honest I was running on pure gut instinct and adrenaline. I knew deep DEEP down that he was not worth any more of my time than what was already given to him (in our relationship). I knew that in my gut that talking to him again would give him “power” and make me feel “weak”. I never thought I was as strong as that and to this day it still shocks me.
      I so very much wanted to know what were his reasons but when I really sat down to think about it I thought “what does it matter?” Even though my confidence, value of myself and happiness were completely beat up and tested I knew that my self worth would heal…eventually. I lost my appetite completely, lost enormous amounts of sleep and lost my love of life for a brief period of time. That was enough for him to take. I missed him but it was the person I thought he was. It was not real.
      I guess with any sort of major obstacle in your life whether it be losing a loved one, heartache, health issues, etc. you have to take a step back and really look inside yourself and say “I have the power to decide how to react to this”.

      Hope this answers your question!

      All the best,
      Amanda

      P.S. You must have faith that you will not be cheated on. Listen to that little voice inside your head if it ever gives you warning signs from a man but until then be true to yourself and be happy! Your future old wrinkly self will thank you…I promise. 🙂

  9. BJ

    So, while I was in a long distance relationship, he was the one that brought up exclusivity. He was the one that said “I love you” first. He was the one that brought up moving in together. I too was contacted by “the other woman”. Someone he’d dated previously, and supposedly ended before we started. She sent me a message on Facebook and when I brought up with him he denied it all and called her crazy. Then one night after a long phone call and I love you’d as we were planning a vacation together he called back at 1am. With her in the background yelling “tell her”! And he did and hung up. Unable to believe it, i got in a car with my Besty and drove 400 miles to make him choose. Confronted with both of us in the same room he chose HER. And I walked away. Days later and a million phone calls and him going on OUR planned vacation alone he showed up at my house. I took him back. Dumb I know. And we had a great summer but I was constantly terrified. Come fall I DID move in with him and things were great. By October he was talking to HER again. It drug on till February with him not knowing I knew. I called him out on it. He swore it was only phone calls nothing in person. In my book that’s still cheating. I am so in love with this man and I can not convince myself he’s done cheating and yet I can not convince myself to leave. The smart me would never put up with this. I am constantly insecure and even though its been since February that I’ve had proof and he swears its been long over between them I am so scared my happiness is a fraud. That any second that I relax and quit being insecure, trust him, I will be a fool. Am I already? Likely. He talks of marriage, not me, I can’t get excited about it knowing the first year of our love was based on lies. As the 2 year mark approaches I am more insecure than ever and more in love than ever. Why do women put themselves through this? The old me never would have. Never would have taken Jim back. Would advise any friend against doing the same. But here I am. Scared and in love with a cheater.

    1. FM

      This is the most real, raw honest truth I’ve read about any relationship in a VERY long time. THANK YOU “BJ” for sharing and for not letting us be alone in the will to fight for what feels right though we know it’s wrong.

      I encourage you to write your own story for this website. Hopefully they will help you reach a broader audience for guidance. This story you’ve opened up under and commented in is one-sided about how to do exactly the opposite of what you’re doing.

      We are all human beings with real hearts, true feelings and a connection with some other individual is not something that others can judge us for. I admire your valor to continue to follow your heart.

      I hope you find honest happiness and can share more with us. I know i can learn from your experience and outcome. I pray for you.

      Good luck with Jim.

    2. Suzanne

      BJ. Thanks for sharing. I too was in a long distance relationship for over 5 years. I was shocked to find that as he called me daily and swore I was his dream come true and how much he loved me and longed for us to be married, he had cheated on me twice before and I took him back. Finally I guessed he had a new girlfriend and he finally admitted to me that he did. After my confrontation, I asked if he was going to end it. With great reluctance he said, Not now, maybe in the future! What a fool I was. But it’s been almost a month and I’m feeling better as time goes by. I cried, I swore. But, I said my goodbyes and I’m done. He has proven to be untrustworthy and as much as I cared I believe I can find someone who is worthy of my love and will love me in return. If I were you, I’d find someone new! It robs you of your peace of mind.

  10. Boston Rick

    Maybe this is outside of the realm of your article, but my girlfriend cheated on me with her x-boyfriend. She confessed what she did, and knows it was wrong, and wants to regain my trust. She is seeing a councelor and working through her emotions and motives behind what she did.

    I went through deep anger, hurt, and the feeling of being betrayed by my best friend.

    I don’t want to write her off, she is in a rough place in life and hurting, and honestly needs friends that will love her unconditionally right now. And I am basically the only person she has who will support her and help keep her accountable.

    So, I am trying to balance the fact that she broke my trust deeply, with the fact that she is repentant and seeking help and my forgiveness.

    Any ideas on how I should approach this as a man?

    1. Sarah Roberts

      Dear Boston,

      I can understand the pain you are going through. Whether that be a man or a women, the pain one experiences when they find betrayal from the person he/she is in love with is a horrible feeling.

      I don’t know you but you sound like a good person. I can sense that in the fact you still find sorrow for her because despite her hurting you, you can see she is going through a tough time and is in a place of hurt and confusion. Although this is all true, the reality is, she hurt you and betrayed you in a way that is almost unforgivable. Key word is, “almost” unforgivable. There is still that 10% possibility of forgiving. How can one reach that 10% though? That is the underlying question and the question that needs to be answered by you. If you cannot find peace, forgiveness and trust then in all reality you will find it difficult to move forward with a healthy relationship.

      In addition, it is more then generous and sweet of you to support her while she is in her all time low but that should not be your reasoning to be with her still. You can still support her but if you are using this as a tactic to bring her back to where she felt she lost love with you then that may not be the healthy way either. In situations like this having a positive support group is great but also letting her find her way back on her own is important too.

      I am a firm believer in time heals all wounds. Time and counsel will help her and time will help you decide if you can find peace and trust within her again. There is no rush to make your decision because this decision can be your life.

      Take the time you need to heal and the time you need to decide if you can ever trust her again. I think that is the big question and if you can find that 10% of forgiveness back then I say forgive, but if you cannot then you will only be putting yourself through more pain and suffering by trying to make it work because you are constantly fighting yourself in whether you can trust her or not in her every move and thought she makes.

      I am not sure if that helps but this is from my personal experience and its helped me understand the importance of these types of decisions.

      Good luck
      ~Sarah

      1. Boston Rick

        Wow, thank you Sarah for your well thought out response, I will take your insights with me as I move forward.

        Thank you deeply!

  11. Sarah Roberts

    Thank you Amy and BJ for your stories because I find more reality and truth behind this common issue that men and women across the world experience.

    To speak frankly if you were with a guy that you had experienced “true love” with, have been with them for a while, were legitimately planning your future with and all of a sudden is blinded by the fact he was cheating on you the whole time, to me, I would be so devastated. Although hurt and broken, being the natural humans that we are, that initial want to know the ultimate T for truth and the original sin that we all possess, I would need to know Who? What? When? Why? And How? Amanda your story seems fake. Your story seems to well written and out of the play by play book of “He Cheated Now What?”

    When my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me, I too was devastated. I consider myself then and now to still be a strong willed women. Most people would not think I wouldn’t put up with it. But I did for a short period. Not to say that all women do, because I know plenty of strong women who had the courage to walk away, even after marriage and kids, they were able to walk away. But I couldn’t.

    The one thing I did have in common with those women that were able to walk away was that they still needed to know WHY? WHY did this happen to me? WHY did you do this to us? WHY is she better than me? With that said, regardless of how strong you want to be as a women, you inadvertently fall back on human tendencies too seek out those answers. I had to ask him just as all of the women I know had to ask there once loved one, why? I couldn’t just leave him be, I had to know. Yes, he wasn’t able to answer, at least not the way I wanted him to. Yes, it didn’t necessarily make me feel better. Yes, he fed me lines I did want to hear yet knew in my heart wasn’t true. Although all of these cases didn’t ultimately lead me to TRUTH, it still helped me as it helped all of the other women move on to your first step, feeling the pain. Once I was able to let him know how I felt and what he did was wrong and even though I didn’t necessarily get my truth, I was able to finally let it go and move on… slowly.

    Prior to finally moving on, I did exactly what Amy did, cheated on him and told his family and friends. Although not all women follow this and more power to you, I am sure plenty of women are in that boat. It’s not just some magical three step process that will help women. It’s a series of processes, trials and tribulations that bring you to your conclusion to find peace within your heart. To be even more frank, I believe the first part of that process is asking why? I am not sure there is another way around it? Some guy you love cheats on you? Your response is, “Ok, I am sad now and don’t want to ever talk to him.” WTF? Not true! I want you to know and all women to know, its ok to have spoken to him. Its ok if you did. If that was your first real step to your “step one” then just admit it. If you only spoke to him once, who cares, but you have to first admit the truth before you can ever move on with anything you do in life. If you were truly in love with him, then you must have asked him those questions, you must have told him he was wrong and you must have cried to him? If you didn’t, then 1) you probably weren’t with him for very long and 2) you guys didn’t really love each other. Sorry but I just don’t believe you didn’t talk to him. I believe facing that truth is an important step and if you can’t admit it to yourself then you shouldn’t be advising women how to get over a guy that cheated on you.

    I am happily married now for several years but once upon a time I went through this horrible pain. What I discovered was in order for me to get over it, I needed to first find truth and ask why? Second I had to continually ask myself will I ever trust him again? Will I constantly be checking up on him? Not believing anything he says? Snooping, prying? If I answered yes to those then my next question was, do I want to live like that forever? Do you know how much time that would take?!?! That’s so much of your own time just snooping on him, questioning him and not believing in him. I finally said it’s not worth it. If I can’t ever trust him then it’s not a relationship and I will never find peace with him, with me and with us. After ending it, I finally could begin the grieving processes and learning to let go, which was the hardest thing I could ever do. I won’t go into detail about that because if your reading this still, you’ve been through it and you know what it feels like, just as Amanda had described it, hitting your lowest low. But after my own grieving processes I became a much strong women and a better person. I learned a lot and met the love of my life. Everything happens for a reason and I took my past relationship as lessons learned and now I am in a committed relationship and I never thought I could come to that point of trusting someone ever again. Time heals and that is what I needed, truth and time.

    ~Sarah

  12. Amanda

    Wow everyone THANK YOU soo so much for all your comments, personal stories and feedback!

    My article was written to be honest yet short and easy to read. Believe me I could have written a novel but this is not the greatest place for such a writing piece. That said, the article is indeed my summed up “step by step” story. Of course everyone has different experiences and handles situations differently. In my own personal situation, I chose to do what was best for me and that was to “kick the can to the curb”, grieve, seek professional help, then flap my new and improved wings!

    Thank you again for your comments! I am truly humbled from how you all took the time to read my short yet true little story let alone take the time to comment.

    All the best,
    Amanda

    1. Sarah Roberts

      Amanda,
      No offense but this isn’t about you. I get you wrote your three step process but from what I understand you wrote so that people could find hope with your story and seek advise. If you wrote it just so that you could seek attention or popularity then you have the wrong set of motives here. Your “little” story wasn’t to be entertained. People actually took the time to read your short little story to seek hope and ask for additional advice. People are still waiting for your feedback and advice. They are not waiting for you to applaud them and say thank you for taking the time to read my short little story. This is NOT about you. Its about the pain that people experience and different ways of coping with them. I just don’t see how you can write on a wonderful website as this where women seek advice on various types of topics and the authors have a genuine interest in what their audience has to say. I feel bad for the people here who are expressing their stories and feelings and how now since you have been called out, you have no comments other than to say thank you for reading my story and I am humbled. If you do not want people to share their personal stories or ask for feedback then you shouldn’t write for blogs or websites that allow readers to respond.

      Please take the time to respond to those you haven’t yet if you feel you can actually offer them guidance and support.

      ~Sarah

  13. rene

    I have had this experience not once but THREE times. I come from a good family and i am not looking for a bad boy. I was married 12 years with 3 children when i was first cheated on. Five years after the divorce i married again just to be cheated on 3 months later. Three years later i moved in with a guy that i was infatuated with and thought i loved at the time. He had been cheating on me the whole time which i found out by “the other woman” who called me at work and told me. He also moved on to another girl in the same company we both worked for in two different locations.

    The hurt i have carried never fades. I thought i had finally found happiness with myself being by myself till i reconnected with someone i knew long ago. He has been wonderful to me but he makes not bones about looking at other women when we are out and says it doesn’t mean he wants them but it’s natural to look.

    I cannot seem to not be consumed with thoughts of “what is he up to” “who just called his phone” “what is he doing when i am at work”. etc. He says i have a problem and i need to fix it for us to be happy. I wallow in depression almost every day even when things are great because i am wondering when the boom is coming down.

    I could have recovered after one time of cheating but after 3? I feel i am ruined for life now and that i never should have married again this time for his sake and for mine. But i did. So now what? I just don’t have the fortitude to overcome and trust completely.

  14. Megan

    Amanda, first of all I would like to say what you did takes great courage and if people reading this can just realize that and appreciate knowing there is someone else out there who has experienced a similar event or feeling, that is wonderful to know you are not alone! You inspire me to be more open about my past and more importantly, be more positive! The fact that you aren’t a counselor and have great tips for others out there is fabulous and I appreciate you sharing your story.

  15. Cristal

    This was a good read. I just 2 months ago found out about my now ex cheating on me 🙁 It’s sad because the woman was honest about it yet it happened 4 months in to us dating. So I have been sitting for 3 years now just to find out that it happened in the beginning & worst of all that he kept an email friendship with her through work our entire 3 years! Forget the cheating. The inappropriate friendship is what broke my heart. Still slowly trying to pick up the pieces.

  16. Raadz

    Hi. I’ve been cheated on more than 5times by the same person. I keep going back because he begs me and I just cannot let go of those feelings. I keep feeling insecure and everyone tells me to leave, but I have no idea why I can’t. Could you please advise me on what to do because I keep getting hurt over and over again, but I still want to be with him

  17. Kristen

    This is such an accurate description of what it is like. My husband cheated on me out of the blue, and I went through these same steps (still working on number 3). Thanks for the encouragement.

  18. Reene

    Thanks for sharing. I’m a girl in your shoes. I have a man in fact we are still this relationship. He is very commited in this relashionship. A kind of guy that people think and I myself think who truly loves me and will never hurt me. But.. I found out that he is still in contact with his ex-girlfriend. It has been a year. We’ve talked about it many times and each episode only led me to be back to him until now. It all started in 2012 where we had a real fight. And he felt (he told me) betrayed by me. Things improved but very slowly and that when this thing happened. We have talked about it since he plead so many times to not to leave him. I asked him to stop. But he got caught for a 2nd time last year. That was the moment I left him.. But only for days. Why? He called me up telling me he got severe headache ( which was true ). He chase me down all the way from far when I was on vaca with my family. I feel pity on him. That I fell in love again with the man who has actually betrayed me. Until now, I noticed that he’s not 100% leave the ex-gf. I knew it but I just don’t have the guts to fight anymore. I pray to God for this every second of mylife. Till now.. I wanted to call the other woman to ask her how far their relationship going on but on the other hand, I don’t have the guts to hurt her. ( me and my man is a Malaysian. The other woman is from Darwin, Aus). This pain I feel, I think I can’t take anymore. Just sharing. Thanks to whoever read this and wasting time on my case. 🙂

  19. Mimi

    Well, I just recently went through the same thing. My boyfriend and I were dating for 5 years and planning to get married next year. Everything seemed absolutely perfect because we were oh so in love only to find out he had cheated on me. With more than 1 woman.

    I had never felt such a low, it felt like I was punched in the gut and the fist had stayed there. I also lost my appetite and went a week and some days practically not eating at all.
    My initial reaction was wanting to expose him to the whole world and publicly humiliating him. I had made up my mind that I although I would forgive never ever get back with him.

    Well that was until I decided to forgive him. Not just forgive and hold his wrongs over his head as a reminder, but forgive him using the same measure of forgiveness that God uses to forgive me. And as hard as it was, as much as I wanted to have him never forget his abominable action and always remember my grandiose act of good hearted ness I knew I felt that the only one right thing to do would be to forgive.

    So I forgave, and I let God. Long story short we are back together, attending couples therapy, he is a born again Christian and we are letting God take the lead role in our relationship this time.

    It’s not easy, not easy at all for me because sometimes I still imagine what he did. And although I love him I am having to relearn to trust him.
    I don’t know when the trust will fully be reestablished but I believe that God is greater than any situation we can ever go through. And as weird as it may sound, our relationship is so much better than it was before in a lot of aspects.

    And although not every relationship is the same I´d like to suggest the other ladies to consider working things out first before giving up on someone they love, sometimes it’s really worth it.
    But regardless of what you choose to do I hope God heals your hearts so that you can love again.

  20. Smg

    hi, i dont know if you would still read your comments as this entry was a couple of years ago. I just want to say thank you for sharing and giving me hope.

    I have been dating someone for 11 years and he has constantly been cheating on me. I thought he would change after he proposed to me, but i was very wrong.

    I look forward to the day that i’ll be 100% happy again just like you.

  21. Kaylin

    I’m hoping your article really helps with what I’m going through. My boyfriend of 3 long years, broke it off last week, claiming he needed “time”. He wanted a week to “clear his head”. The night of valentines day, he had slept with the number one girl I despise the most. And now their “together”. He was never this way before we dated, he was the one guy in the county that wasn’t. Did I get boring? Id love to hear back from you. Thank you.

  22. Eada

    Hi my name is Eada and about a month ago I was cheated on. I have been having a really hard time already I have been dealing with depression for seven years now and he was my only friend I really had and I am suicidal also on top of all of this and I just feel lost. He currently is with the women he cheated on me and I really don’t know what to do. So I decided to just go to school one semester next year and graduate early and save money to go to Europe too! Then I found this to help me out. Thank you so much for posting this. I know I can get through it and I know I’m confident enough. It’s great to know that there are still people out there that won’t let people get away with cheating. I felt hopeless with this society today. But maybe that can change.

  23. Angel

    I met a guy at uni who became my best friend, he chased me relentlessly and we had a 2 year relationship. After graduating we had to go long distance and that is when a life of hell began for me. He cheated on me immediately within a few weeks of us going long distance, I took him back, this was my biggest mistake. 2 years on with a ring on my finger he cheated again and-this time with an even uglier chick knew all along about us. I have never had so much disgust for human being as I do for him. He is Turkish and I guess that country is a living hell on earth. All I got in the end was I have no feelings for you. I see him as a monster who used me, knowing he had a trophy girlfriend. I will never forgive him till the day I die and if he were to die I would not shed one tear. I

  24. Steve

    Thank you for your article. I just found out that my girlfriend of 9 months cheated on me and used me for money the entire time we were together. I started seeing her while I was going through a divorce from an 18 yr marraige. I’m not accustomed to lying so I believed everything she told me. Needless to say I am devastated and I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again. How long did it take you to move to each phase. ?

  25. Ashley

    Hi Amanda,

    I know you wrote this ages ago and I hope you’re doing well now, but I just wanted to thank you for this. I just found out five days ago that my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. He was probably cheating the whole time; I had an instinct about it from the first two months we were together but (stupidly) didn’t leave until I saw concrete proof. Now I’m questioning whether he was cheating on me the entire relationship or just toward the end, but I guess it doesn’t really matter – the result is the same.

    Even after I had just broken up with him he denied ever cheating on me at all, but I could tell he was lying and I had the evidence in my hand anyway. Why he felt the need to lie, even in the end when it was already over, I have no idea. When I found out I immediately broke up with him, put all of my stuff into a U Haul, attached my car to the back of it, and drove 100 miles home in one morning. I got home and unfriended and deleted and removed him from all my social networks and cleaned out my e-mail, my phone, my documents, everything, of any trace of him or where we lived or the life we had together.

    I’m currently going through the not-eating-not-sleeping-well-dropping-tons-of-weight-and-sobbing-constantly phase. It feels like I will never get over this pain. I have no intention of ever speaking to him again and I most definitely don’t want him back after this. I don’t even actually miss him because of the way he hurt me, but the pain of the betrayal of someone I loved, and the pain of knowing that I knew about it in the back of my own mind and didn’t trust myself for the first time in my life, is going to take a long time to get over.

    I’m currently seeing a therapist and even after one session she’s allowed me to begin to forgive myself for not trusting my instincts as well as letting me acknowledge that what he did was not my fault in any way. She’s given me some good coping strategies so far and said that while I have to let myself grieve this loss, this pain is not forever. For anyone who hasn’t sought out therapy – do it! It will help immeasurably. I’m planning to go to Denver for a month to stay with my best friend and let her support me through this.

    Coincidentally I’m also planning a solo trip to Europe this summer to empower myself to feel independent, capable, and worthy – like myself again. I’ve also reached out to my local SPCA to try and volunteer with the dogs, and I’m doing yoga everyday. I still feel awful and sob – big, racking sobs – all day, everyday, but I hope these steps will help me recover from what is most definitely the worst emotional pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

    Amanda, one last question:

    Are you in a healthy relationship now? If so, how did you learn to trust again? My deepest fear is that eventually this pain will recede, I’ll be able to eventually forgive him (not condoning his actions, ever, but for my own peace going forward) for being horrible and deceitful and disrespectful to me and our relationship; I’ll be able to trust my instincts; and I’ll be able to find and love myself fully again… But then I won’t be able to have a healthy relationship because I’ll constantly think about the pain I’m in now and how I would do anything to avoid feeling like this again.

    Any guidance about this would be deeply appreciated.

    1. Amanda

      Hi Ashely,

      I just now found I had more comments to my article. Sorry for the delay and thank you for your comment!
      To answer your question, I am now in a healthy relationship with a beautiful soul of a man for over two years! He is different from every other guy I’ve dated.

      Long story short I dated him briefly after the breakup with the cheater. I met my now boyfriend while I was randomly out with a girlfriend and him and I clicked instantly. Due to the horrible timing of meeting, and me not being healed from my ordeal I politely told him I could not date him at this time. Two years go by and I was thinking about what a wonderful man he was and how the timing of us meeting was the reason for us not together. SO, I contacted him out of the blue and here we are now two years later and soon to be engaged.

      Him just being himself is enough to cause me to trust him. He is an honest man, close to family, a hard worker and loves me deeply. I never thought at the time of being cheated on I would ever trust again but honestly meeting the right man effortlessly made it happen. Was that luck? Maybe. But I think the other part of it was giving myself a long time to heal and learning to be deeply in tune with my gut instincts and self value.

      I would say keep doing what you are doing! If it were not for my ex, I would have never had all these wonderful experiences nor would have met the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I wouldn’t say I “forgive” my ex but instead I like to say I have moved on to a new chapter. I believe everything happens for a reason and so with that I am thankful for my past because it lead me to become who I am today, with chapters I would have never began, and surrounded by people (and a man) I may have never met if it were not for my horrible ex and his awful actions.

  26. Samantha

    Hi Amanda,

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I recently just found out my ex cheated on me too, after being together for two years. From the start of our relationship, I’ve always had a gut instinct that something wasn’t right, but he manipulated me into believing that I was crazy. Unexpected, out of no where, I caught him red handed cheating on me.

    He called me ONCE after three weeks after I broke up with him immediately after finding out he cheated. To this day he still texts me and denies ever doing anything wrong and it just doesn’t make sense to me.

    I am still currently grieving the person whom I thought loved me and I thought I could trust, and reading this story helped me to know that I am not alone in going through this type of problem.

    I can’t wait to find my inner strength and love myself fully again after going through this experience, like you did.

    You are a beautiful person and deserve so much better than a cheater. I hope you are doing well at this point now in your life!

  27. Amanda

    Hi Samantha,

    Thank you for your comment! Sorry I just now saw all of these responses.

    I am so sorry this happened to you. It truly is an awful experience and sometimes just seems unfair and it will never get better. But I know it will get better for you because you have that inner voice (gut instinct) that already is rooting for you! He sounds like he is pretty upset he got caught but thankfully you did and now can chose what is best for you.

    Next I want to say, keep letting yourself grieve! I cried sooooo so much after I was cheated on. I surrounded myself with a few close friends and a lot of Sex and the City (I watched the whole series episode by episode)! I also started seeing a counselor because in my own personal case I knew my friends (as wonderful as they are) were not going to be able to fully help me through this.

    I also was single for a very long time (years!) in order to deeply focus on healing myself and doing what my heart needed to be happy solo. My personal opinion is you are never truly happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. I traveled, volunteered, hung out with friends and really didn’t focus on meeting anyone until I knew I was smiling from the inside.

    You will get there Samantha but be patient with yourself but also honest. Take baby steps and never underestimate the power of your inner voice!

    To answer your other question, I am now in a healthy relationship with a beautiful soul of a man for over two years! He is different from every other guy I’ve dated.

    Long story short I dated him briefly after the breakup with the cheater. I met my now boyfriend while I was randomly out with a girlfriend and him and I clicked instantly. Due to the horrible timing of meeting, and me not being healed from my ordeal I politely told him I could not date him at this time. Two years go by and I was thinking about what a wonderful man he was and how the timing of us meeting was the reason for us not together. SO, I contacted him out of the blue and here we are now two years later and soon to be engaged.

    I hope this gives you some faith!

  28. Vivian

    Hi Amanda,

    I found out a couple days ago that my long distance boyfriend of 7 years was cheating on me. I found out the same way you did, the “other woman” let me know through Facebook messenger. He has not tried to contacted me at all which hurts the most. He was my best friend and I believed him when he said we were going to get married this year. In my head all I can think is that if I contact him maybe I will find answers to why but reading this post and all the comments made me realize that talking to him will only hurt me more. Plus, if he has not even tried to contact me then he is not worth it. I feel so broken and lost and I just hope one day I can turn back and realize this made me a stronger person.

  29. Audrey

    Hello,

    Like most of you on here, I too recently found out my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. We were together for a little over three years, and I found out via “the other woman” on messenger that they had been on and off for two of the three years that he and I were together; even worse, they were “serious” the last four months of our relationship. He was telling her that he wanted a stable, serious relationship with her while at the same time he was making future plans with me to get married and raise a family together. When I confronted him, he said that he got scared of the idea of long term commitment, made a terrible mistake, and that she meant nothing to him (even though their text messages implied otherwise). I was devastated when I found out, but I never gave him a chance to explain and I ended the relationship immediately that day. He violated my sense of self worth, he betrayed my trust, and he stole my faith in monogamous relationships. I ended up on this blog to cope with the after effects of dealing with a cheater. I’m left with the broken pieces, but every day I’m working to put them back together. He stole so much from me that I will not let him take me down anymore than he already has. I’m worth more than the terrible thing he did.

    My point in saying all of this information, ladies, is that we are SO much better than these men who cheat. A woman should NEVER feel as though she is the reason her significant other made the decision to stray and destroy the intimate trust of a relationship. A real man would confront his issues with you and leave if he was truly unhappy, not cheat and then blame the cheating on his inability to make a moral and sound decision. You don’t deserve an excuse like that, and there are men out there who have grown up with real morals and values and understand the importance of fidelity just as much as you do. You simply just need to demand it for yourself and not tolerate any sense of infidelity in your relationship. You deserve true and healthy love, and you will get it from the right person; don’t waste time with the wrong one.

  30. Kathy

    Hello Amanda,
    I am going through this right now. I found out two days ago and ever since I am in so much pain that I can barely function. I feel that I died. I am still numbed. It feels like a piece of me was cut off and the pain is so palpable that I feel it pulsing in my spirit. My physical reaction is of someone drunk. I am physically dizzy and i am so disoriented that I didn’t break up with him. I couldn’t process it right away. Too much at once. I just let it stay where it was. I can’t think straight right now. I can’t eat and my sleep is so superficial that I can’t rest.
    Emotional pain is very debilitating. I thought about going to the gym but my muscles were giving in. I stayed at home in bed, quiet.
    I pray all the time. I can’t cry anymore.

  31. Ferguson

    Your Comment * I have a boyfriend I love so much and he always loves me too, but he is constantly cheating on me, each time I caught him, he lies and denies it, am tired of been hurt but I love him so much…please what should I do

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