I have had several comments on my Husband List article expressing the importance of holding ourselves to the same standard to which we do in a man. If we want a great guy, then we need to be the kind of girl who will attract that guy.
I am always writing on the defense of my fellow sisters because I want you to understand the fullness of your self-worth. I want you to be treated like the fearfully beautiful woman that you are and to experience a heavenly constructed love story. But, it wasn’t until this weekend when I was talking with some of my husband’s friends that I learned we might not be so innocent in the brutalities of this dating/relationship game. We might actually have something to do with the jaded bad boys we so often complain about to our girlfriends. The way people treat people, even in dating situations, is typically rooted in a behavior that is formed based on experience. It is true that hurting people hurt people.
Someone has to break the cycle. As women, we hold a feminine power that can either be used to empower men or break them down. Let’s use this gift to build up the men that come into our lives, whether or not they become your boyfriend or husband. This way, the guy you went on a date with will feel appreciated and respected for his efforts and be affirmed in treating the next girl well.
That being said, I interviewed a group of single and married men this weekend about their dating experiences. As I spoke with them, they expressed the major things that turn them off in the dating phase. Here are 9 “turn-off’s”:
1. Constant Complaining or Negativity.
A girl who is constantly seeing the negative in everything or complaining about little things is a red flag to a guy. He wants to spend his time with someone who is refreshing and positive to the soul. This goes for people in general too. No one likes to be around someone who brings them down.
Start paying attention to comments you make about service at restaurants, waiting in long lines, etc. If you notice a pattern or have been told that you project negativity, start to be intentional with the words you speak. They carry a lot of weight, and impact not only the people around you, but also how you feel too. The thoughts you think become the words you say, which influences the way you feel and ultimately becomes the way you behave.
All the men said it is important for them to see a woman who is responsible. Of course, everyone is on a journey and they don’t expect perfection. But everyone can ask themselves: Do you live within your means? Do you pay your bills on time? Are you on time for appointments and meetings, do you honor commitments? Do you have a reputation as a woman who follows-through or flakes? Do you consistently get in trouble for the same thing?
If you haven’t, it might be a good idea to start getting your life organized. Not only will it be helpful in attracting a responsible man and in the overall happiness of a relationship, it will make you happier too!
3. Poor Listening Skills
One guy said, “It’s a turn off for me when a girl asks me a question but then doesn’t listen. She basically is waiting for her turn to talk.” Listening skills are very important for all areas of life, not just dating. When you don’t show a genuine interest and ask follow-up questions, it makes a person feel invisible and irrelevant to the conversation.
The best way to make someone feel good is to ask questions about them and to show an interest in what they are actually saying. If you get nervous or don’t consider yourself a conversationalist, here are 3 easy take-aways:
Ask a sincere question
Listen to their answer while taking mental notes of hi-lights
Ask follow up questions about what they just said.
4. Lack of Ambition
It is attractive to another person to see that you have your owns goals, interests and hobbies. It doesn’t matter what it is to them, as long as it’s something. Otherwise, they feel like a woman is just looking for a handout.
If you are feeling lost or unworthy of having dreams, it’s time to change that. I suggest reading the book, The Artist Way by Julia Cameron. Start doing things that you loved to do as a child and surround yourself with people and resources that encourage you. You will not be a joyful person if you don’t have your own identity. Expecting a man to take all your problems away is not realistic. A fulfilling relationship includes two whole people joining their personalities, goals and ambitions together for a greater purpose.
When a man pays for your meal, movie or whatever it is…always say thank you and show appreciation. Yes, as a lady you have a right to be courted, but men still need to be respected and appreciated, not taken for granted. It is the same as when we are happier and more willing to do something when our boyfriend acknowledges our sweet notes or good cooking.
Be gracious. Start looking at your life with a grateful attitude. Take time to appreciate the people in service positions who rarely get thanked. Count your blessings when you are sitting at a stoplight or waiting in line. It is much easier being generous to a grateful person.
6. Attached to Phone
I actually couldn’t believe this happens when I heard it. It is disrespectful to anyone to have your face buried in your phone throughout a conversation. I don’t care how bad the date is, it is important that we represent good women and at least respect the man for his time and effort. Show that you know how to carry on a great conversation, are considerate of others and have good manners.
Keep your phone in your bag throughout dinner/date night. You can check it periodically, use your best judgement.
7. Pursuing Guy or Being Too Available
A man respects what he has to earn. Being too available looks like spending nights just hanging out at his house while he hasn’t taken you on a date yet. There is a difference between a casual hookup buddy and a lady he takes the time to court.
If you really like a guy, allow him the chance to put his best foot forward and to pursue you. You are worth it.
8. Being Too Available For Sex
One guy said, “I like sex as much as the next guy, but when a girl gives in too soon, I lose interest instantly. If it were so easy to do it with me, how many other guys has she been with?”It was kind of amazing hearing this from men, on their own without being prompted. All four agreed that even though they like it and probably wouldn’t refuse it, they wouldn’t respect a girl or pursue her for a relationship.
I know our culture sends confusing messages about this causing a lot of women to believe that sex is the way to get love, but that is false. It is the other way around. Real love is ultimately consummated in sex. This may be a double standard, but I have read multiple books concluding the same sentiment as a wide-spread truth.
As a christian, my view may sound extreme to some of you. But based on experience and women’s anatomy, http://wp.me/s3LX6g-456 I believe a good rule of thumb would be to save your body for a man who loves you so much that he gives you his last name.
9. Lack of Confidence
Aside from dating, people feel comfortable around confident people. Confidence is carried in your posture, your walk and the way you conduct yourself. As women, we hear time and time again that, “the most beautiful thing about a woman is her confidence.”
If you don’t feel confident, then there’s a term that says, “fake it ’til you make it!” It has worked for me in countless situations. Perception is reality in social situations. From my experience, if you are acting confident, people will believe you and respond accordingly. In turn, you will more than likely actually start feeling confident.
This list isn’t really about turn-offs. Ultimately, when you are a gracious person who treats people well and carries yourself with respect because you know you’re worth, the concern of turn-offs won’t be an issue.