This is really hard for me. The past week and a half I suddenly lost myself. I’ve been lower than I’ve ever been, colder, harsher, and typically on the verge of tears. I hate letting people see me cry, but I can’t even count how many witnessed it. I needed to escape my own brain for a day. Like I said, this is really hard for me…
I kept a journal. I wrote down as many thoughts as I had time to scribble down. I kept it down to the minute because I needed the thoughts out of my head and I’m hoping they might help someone else.
I broke down this week in the church parking lot. My parents were by my side as I cried in my car after seeing someone who is so incredibly cruel to me get her happy ending. I snapped. I’ve been walking through life in a daze ever since. I can’t seem to smile. I can’t crack a joke. I honestly feel like I can’t breathe. I just feel dead inside.
This journal is what it is like living inside my brain for one day. This is just one day of anxiety and depression that is so debilitating I can hardly get out of bed. I hope this helps someone. It’s not a journal with a happy ending, so if that’s what you’re looking for, you might want to stop reading now. But this is a journal with the truth, right down to the minute. I hope this truth brings understanding to those of you who live with someone suffering. I hope this truth brings comfort to those of you suffering. You’re definitely not alone, because I’m stuck in this mess with you.
6:54am Shit. I woke up again. Messages on my phone. Could it be…no. Of course it’s not him. My only two friends in the world. One is trying to keep me from jumping of a bridge. They don’t have to lie. I know nobody loves me.
7:02 Facebook. All these happy people make me cry. Delete. Delete. Delete. They’ll all think I’m a bitch, but I have to. Oh well. They won’t miss me anyway.
7:32 Get out of bed.
7:33 Bet back in bed. Why did I offer to work today? I hate people.
7:59 I hate my hair. Not that it matters how it looks. No one’s looking at me anyway.
8:29 This sweater looks stupid. Maybe it wouldn’t look so bad if I was a size 0. Maybe once I pay my car off I can afford liposuction.
8:47 Don’t pack that for lunch. It’ll only make you fatter.
9:03 I just overheard my mother on the phone apologizing for my behavior last night. She doesn’t know I came over yet. I didn’t know I was such a burden that she has to make excuses for me.
9:41 I turned on the car and there was that song again. I need to stop thinking about him.
9:51 Run to the back room. Don’t let her see you cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
10:39 A girl just bought the dress I loved. I can’t afford the gala anyway. Just another happy person getting what I want.
10:58 I thought about him again.
11:47 If I just keep cleaning, maybe I’ll forget. I like washing dishes because the hot water burns my skin.
11:48 I really hate her.
12:13 He said I “dump” these things on him. I knew I was a burden.
12:41 I told him I was sorry. No response. He told me to put myself in his shoes. I wouldn’t talk to me either.
1:59 I’ve been doing inventory to keep him off my mind. It isn’t working. I snapped at my coworker again. Talking is hard to do.
2:18 People make me so mad. Rules are there for a reason. You’re not too good to follow the rules!
2:19 I thought about him again. I keep hoping he’ll drive by, but I know he won’t.
3:25 I finally opened up to my coworker about some of the things that have happened. She probably thinks I’m crazy.
3:56 At least I get to leave early. Only a few more minutes of faking it.
4:33 I wish I could just have a normal conversation with him. Like we did in the beginning. Before I lost my mind. I really miss when he liked me.
4:36 Ate some blackberry cobbler. No wonder I’m fat.
4:40 At least I didn’t eat lunch.
5:16 This dinner is so fattening. I shouldn’t eat any of it. But no one will ever love me anyway. I might as well get fat.
6:03 I just want everything back to how it was.
7:51 I’m sitting here all alone again. I feel like crying but at the same time, I feel nothing at all.
7:54 The Wheel of Fortune contestants are so dumb. But so am I.
7:56 I’m going to bed. I’m completely numb and drained after today. There were just too many bad things. The idea of getting through tomorrow is terrifying. I don’t want to go to bed alone. I just can’t do this anymore.
One week later:
There have been better days, there have been worse days. Since I kept my journal, it’s been easier to acknowledge those bad feelings. I can’t say every day is getting better. One night I was so sad I couldn’t even go to bed for the fear of being in it alone. The next day I was angry. So angry I was shaking and my heart was racing. The next day I was laughing and in a great mood.
Depression has so many faces. Anxiety has a thousand more. I chose to go off of medication because those pills made me a zombie. I was so apathetic toward everything and I believe that God didn’t design me to shuffle through life with no emotions at all. God created me to enjoy life praising Him, and for the moment, I’ve just forgotten how to do that. I pray that if you are in a similar situation, you feel my thoughts and prayers over you. We are not in this alone. God designed us for so much more than this.
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