A Woman’s Identity In A “What Do You Do?” Society

In She Speaks by Kristen Dalton Wolfe13 Comments



– The door creaks open and I hear the pitter patter of my three year olds feet cross the floor to my bed. She nudges me to a full awaken and announces that she’s had a nightmare and needs a comforting prayer. I mumble about angels coming down to protect her, tuck her back in bed, kiss her forehead and stumble back to my now cold bed linens. –

My dreams for myself looked different than I had imagined. I had wanted a husband and family. To care for them like my mom had done for me. I also wanted to go off to design school and become an interior designer. A drafting class in high school had cemented that feeling. A school in London was at the top of my list. However, that’s not the plan God had in mind for me. Instead, I married my husband, My One and Only, when I was nineteen and had my first child when I was twenty one. I make three meals a day, homeschool my 2 oldest children, fold countless piles of laundry, scrub the kitchen floor and kiss a thousand boo-boos. The closest I get to interior design is on Pinterest. While I certainly enjoy my home’s interior, the Friday night pizza meals and pancakes on the couch on Saturday morning, make for a practical living space.

This is my life. The life of a homemaker. I love what I do. It brings me joy to see my family enjoying a yummy meal and all the time I get to spend with my girls. I know it won’t last forever. That’s when there’s time to focus on my other dreams. Yet how does a woman find her identity in a culture that diminishes the very things she does day in and day out?

Kate's Daughters

Kate’s Daughters

Jeremiah 1:5 states that God knew me before I was formed and that I’ve been sanctified for a specific purpose. The foundation of my identity has to be firmly planted on the truths that the Divine has everything under control, He understands my desires and passions, and will bring about those things in His time, not mine. My identity doesn’t come from doing anything but allowing God to transform me in His image. It’s rooted in the very fact that my God has the truest identity and that I’m going to do my part to make sure I’m walking in step with Him.

65% of women still change their last name when they get married. When I changed mine, I had a mini meltdown. I was at the Social Security Office doing what we all do, having to go through the tedious job of making sure our newly minted name was on all the important documents. I remember thinking, “Oh wow! Look at that! It’s official”. Then, suddenly, not understanding who I was anymore. I tried to grasp what this new role of “wife” looked like. I scoured books for information, made lists of what I thought my husband would want out of a wife and desperately searched for an instruction manual. I was young and naïve to think that such a thing existed. I struggled with having to answer, “What do you do?” and “Where did you go to college?” But I had to reach a point, where other’s opinions about how they thought I should lead my life didn’t matter to me.

My being a homemaker isn’t anything less than Angela Merkel being Forbes #1 woman. My success might look different to some and maybe the whole world won’t understand the power I put into my job. But as long as my obedience continues to push me into the perfect identity that He has created for me, then I need nothing else than to hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

God isn’t looking at the size of work you do, which most people find their identity in. He’s looking at how the task is performed. Are you being faithful to complete the things God has put before you and is your obedience with a cheerful heart? You are a daughter of the King, a child of the Most High. When feeling lost or uncertain of next steps, sit in the beams of light that can be found at His throne. Chant over and over that, “I’m a daughter of the King, a child of the Most High.” Soon thereafter, feel His comfort and hear His kind words. He will lead and guide you.

By: Kate Scoggins

Kate Scoggins has been married to a screenwriter/director for 12 years. A country girl living in the big city of LA. She has three little ladies always by her side. Founder of Flourish!, a community for Hollywood wives, and leader at her community of faith. You’ll usually find her in the garden getting her hands dirty or cooking a homemade dinner. Her front door is always open and if you stopped by she hopes that you understand that life isn’t always perfect and neither will her house be.


  1. Beautifully written!!! Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are a true blessing!

  2. I appreciate your post but as a working mother I share a similar issue to you. The difference is answering the questions of “why do you work”?, ” how do you do it all?”, and the judgemental looks of the moms who don’t think moms should work. It is time to stop judging each other. God designed us all unique and to do unique jobs. Mine is to raise two wonderful children while holding the position of Vice President of a company. I love my children but I also love my job.

    1. Hi Heather,

      Thank you for taking the time to read. I wholeheartedly agree that the “mom community” needs to stop judging each other for their journey and channel that energy into a more positive response. Everyone’s story is unique and is going to be executed differently. It’s the beauty of the soul.

  3. “I scoured books for information … and desperately searched for an instruction manual. I was young and naïve to think that such a thing existed.” — Katie, with your insight, wisdom, and experience, I’m confident you could write and produce such a book!

  4. Hi Katie! What a treat to read this! You’re wise beyond your years! I laughed when I read about your mini meltdown– not sure if you remember but I had one too when Pastor Scott told me I’d be extinguishing my candle when we lit the center unity candle… I miss your lovely family! God’s richest blessings ! L/Sam

  5. I have three words for you: You are blessed! Raising children …having a family!….is a big deal. In my opinion, it is THE MOST important job on this earth. Your children are your legacy.

    My story is much different from yours. I assumed I’d get married and have children. I always wanted to be a mother but God has had different plans for me. I dated a guy for a long time and when that ended, I threw myself into school and established a career for myself. I went onto graduate school and received a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I got married the same year I received my degree. I was 38 years old. I assumed I’d have children. But, at 44, it hasn’t happened. I do still have a glimmer of hope that God will somehow give me that gift I have waited so long for. But I only ask for His will. The thing is that I did not plan my life this way; it just happened. I never chose a career over getting married and having a family; I just hadn’t met the right guy yet. I dated and I thought it best to make good use of my time while I was waiting. So, I went to school.

    My point is that I, too, hate those questions that you speak of but for different reasons. They are usually followed by “Do you have any kids?” And when I say no, they look at me with such pity. Many assume I chose a career over having a family and it’s just not so. I’d give up my career in an instant to have a family.

    I’d never look down on any woman who stayed home with her children. I counsel many mothers (and parents in general) and it appears (I have no firsthand experience obviously!) that staying home is much harder than going out to work and at least getting a break from the kids. I wish women —-especially mothers!—-were more supportive of one another instead of tearing each other down. The best mom is a happy mom and if Mom is happier staying at home, then so be it. If she’s happier going to a job outside of the home, that is fine, too. No one should judge.

    I’ve rambled enough. God bless you! You have gifts that someone like me would give anything in the world for.

    1. Hi Julie,

      Thank you for sharing so much of your rambling heart with me. I’m honored to hear part of your story.

  6. Thank you, Kate. This was beautiful. I felt like by reading your post we can connect. I often feel so out of place and don’t even know where to begin when it comes to those questions. I’m too, bless, with children and a husband I stay home to raise my babes. I totally get it, it NOT easy either way. Working moms and Homemaking Mommies, is tough! Love your post and thank you for the tears.

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