Since I moved to LA, I have been undeservingly blessed with work; modeling and commercials have sustained me. It was very important to me to be able to provide for myself, to be able to stand strong on my own two feet so I never needed to rely on a man to fund my life. Not only for my own security but because I didn’t want my husband to feel the extra pressure of providing entirely for two people. I was able to have my own identity when I met Kris and was able to bring my portion to the table when needed. However, after we got married in June, bookings slowed down drastically. There were some weeks where I wasn’t working or even auditioning at all. I just counted the other day and realized that 2 whole months went by that I hadn’t booked. I got so close to several projects, but got released every time. I started doubting myself and asking questions like, “Is my time up? Is God trying to tell me he doesn’t want me to do this anymore? Am I too old? Am I not pretty anymore? Did I lose my spark? What’s wrong with me?” I have learned through many years in the entertainment industry how to handle rejection quite well. I’ve become a bit like rubber, the “no’s” just bounce right off of me and I positively declare, “Oh well, I’ll get the next one!”
But this time was a different for two reasons. One, because this particular bout of slowness lasted way longer than I had ever experienced. And two, because I am a wife now and I started to feel like a burden to Kris. I grew to feel really down on myself and question how to be purposeful every day. Yes, I run She is More, which I love, but this is my ministry. I wanted to contribute financially to our household too. There were nights that I cried, my spirit breaking with each phone call saying “no, sorry you didn’t get it.” Kris comforted me, but I wanted to be a wife he could proud of.
I believe God used that time for a reason. It humbled me big time. It forced me to look inside myself and step up to the plate in other ways. I couldn’t just go around being depressed and mopey all the time. I declared war on this giant using the weapon of love. I started to look for ways to show love in everything I did. I started doing Kris’s laundry with a cheerful heart, where before I had pridefully frowned at the thought of doing a chore that “a grown man could do for himself.” I delved into helping my sister prepare to compete for Miss NC USA and encouraging women on She is More became my priority. Even though my heart and ego were hurt by the season of rejection, I started to feel the joy and contentment in the beauty of putting others first. I also becomes ecstatically grateful when a residual paycheck came in the mail, whereas before I had an attitude of expectation.
I don’t want to say that God caused the season to be slow for me. But I will say that when things are hard, money is tight and you are faced with unexpected adversity, He will absolutely use that to His and your advantage. The kicker is, we have to choose to use those giants to shape and refine us, not break and define us.
There will be struggles that loom over us like unclimbable mountains and blows so painful that it feels like you were hit by a giant, but don’t let them scare you; do not be afraid. God has already gone before you and made everything okay on the other side.
An excerpt from Caleb in the book of Joshua: “I was 40 years old when Moses sent me to explore the land. I brought him back a report according to my convictions, but my brothers who went up with me made the hearts of the people melt with fear. I however followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly. So, on that day Moses swore to me, “The land on which your feet have walked will be your inheritance and that of your children forever, because you have followed the Lord my God wholeheartedly.” Joshua 14:7-9.
There was something so scary about the land that everyone quit the mission except for Caleb. And because he kept going and trusted God, every inch of the land he stepped on became his inheritance. If you are facing a seemingly unclimbable mountain or giants are coming against you, don’t run from them…declare war on them. The greatest weapon is love. “Perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18. When I was faced with a fading career, I defeated it through love. The love of God showed me how to love my husband, my family and the hearts of women more sacrificially. Finally last week, I had a breakthrough and booked a huge print campaign, a superbowl commercial and I’m auditioning every day! Along the way, the love in my marriage deepened, my sister had a # 1 fan and She is More had 2 million visits!
So declare war on your giant. Defeat him in love. Victory is on the other side of the mountain. God is on your side.
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