He Lied, Cheated & Left Me Alone With a Bag of Oreos

In She Speaks by Lauren Sergesketter19 Comments

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I finally re-entered the dating world after having my heart stomped on last year. I had been on a date here and there since but it was always more of a rebound type rather than someone I could see myself settling down with. Now that I’ve reentered it, I’m ready to go running back out. Why, you might ask? Because men are cruel.

I met this guy, we’ll call him “Alex.” We completely hit it off, had everything in common, and for once a guy was telling me that church was important to him! Jackpot!! Guess what. Men can lie about religion pretty easily.
Come to find out while he was feeding me a story about being cheated on in the past and how loyal he was, he was actually seeing someone else on the side. When I asked when we could see each other again, Alex said I didn’t seem into him.
Really? Where did that come from?

Come to find out Alex was the one not into it. He was into another girl, which would have been totally fine if he had told me. When did men come up with the idea that lying is okay as long as we never find out about it? And not only did he lie, but he blamed our failure on me.

Now, none of you know me, but I’m kind of a Good Luck Chuck. Any man that I date marries the next girl he dates seriously. So, now I’m waiting for him to pop the question because I have no doubt they’ll end up married. But, the question always remains, “Why not me?”

I think as we watch people pair off over the years it’s a lingering question. Why not me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why wasn’t I pretty enough? What does she have that I didn’t? I know I dwell on these questions without ever finding answers. Instead I find a pint of ice cream, a spoon, and a bag of Oreos. Obviously, these aren’t helpful.
Satan throws these questions at me knowing that I’ll lie to myself.

Why not me? I’m not a good enough person. I don’t deserve love.
Why wasn’t I good enough? Because every other girl has more to offer.
Why wasn’t I pretty enough? Because my face is crooked and my clothes aren’t the best.
What does she have that I didn’t? Amazing looks, a fit body, and a future planned out.

Now here’s where I need help. I know these are lies and I know God created us to be His princesses and He looks at us as royalty, but how do I get these thoughts completely out of my mind? How do I move forward when I fall back into the same patterns of the wrong guys and a pint of ice cream on a Friday night? How do I break the cycle?

I’m calling on my network of Christian women this time. We have to lean on each other, right?

If you related to this story, please share with others to create a network of women to lean on.

Comments

  1. I can totally relate, this has happened to me more than I can count. I got the proposal only to be told that he didn’t feel the same way about me and broke it off. But you have to crash the chatterbox. Elevation church has a series on it and Pastor Steven Furtick has just released a book and there is a devotional for it in the bible app by you version. I’m in a pause with my life right now from dating to crash that box because we only get what we allow so right now I’m examining myself to see what’s in me that attracts these men. Hope this helps.

  2. Sho, this sounds like my story!! I was cheated on by my ex.. then met a guy that I thought was the one, he told me he wanted to go to church with me, want to meet my parents, we even had dinner with them and then poof, I found out he had 2 other girls(different towns and the one in the same town as me) he was seeing. by luck a friend of mine knew this girl that was staying in another town and told me and when I told him, he said I was over reacting, I was heart broken, ofcourse I broke it off with him because God told me too. I didn’t want to do it, but God spoke so clearly to me and promised me that even though I feel shattered, He will lift me up and heal me, because he has someone way better for me, someone that will look after me and that I am going to be doubled blessed, I broke it off and let God do the rest
    It took me a long time to get over it, but I did and what happened? I met the guy God told me about and I was doubled blessed as God told me about he has a beautiful son, the boy blond haired boy I had dreamed about before I met my bf. I know it may sound cheesy, but I really do believe that this is God’s promise to me that came to be. I do pray every day that God will protect us and our relationship, that God will lead us and just like you, I get scared at times too, I get scared that he will do the same to me that those 2 guys did, but that is normal, if you don’t try, you will never know, but let God lead you, listen to God’s voice, let Him tell you if it is a yes or a no and if it is a know, then you know that God as someone better for you and that His NO is only protecting you from getting hurt. God only has the best for us in store.

    trust God to take away those fears and insecurities, I am trusting Him that He will take away mine!!

  3. Oh and just to add. There is nothing wrong with you.. it was his choice to do that, but that doesn’t mean that you are pretty enough or you have nothing to offer. it is totally his loss!! God doesn’t make mistakes and you only deserves the best!

  4. Oh honey I relate. I too was good luck chuck. and I dated more than my fair share of lying men after my divorce. Now I am in a committed relationship I am not sure I want to be in. I think I let all Satan’s lies fill me so much I have decided its best to just find someone who will love you. I do not have the magic answer to how do you make the feeling and doubts disappear, but I do surround myself with my Christian sisters who always speak truth to me.

    1. Illegally Blonde….YOU sound JUST like me! I was so tired of being in failed relationships that I found myself in one that I was comfortable with….but God always had this little voice in the back of my head that told me I was not making him happy…..the problem was, I was soooo ready to just get settled down that I got into a devoted relationship that I knew probably wasn’t right for me. It’s NOT okay to settle in a relationship. God NEVER wants us to settle. Please listen to that little voice that tells you that yous aren’t happy. Tragically, I got out of my relationship that wasn’t rubbing me the right way, and I’m still single. But I’m happier knowing I’m doing what God asked me to than settling for someone I felt like I shouldn’t be with.

  5. Dear Lauren, thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone, and you are not the problem. This guy did not deserve you.

    We are God´s daughters and deserve a man who will be loyal and faithful and will put God above all. Unfortunately, there are guys with deceitful ways out there.

    I think God shapes our character through this kind of tests, we get to understand the kind of man we don´t want in our lives and when the right man comes, you will know it in your heart.

    I pray that God takes care of your heart and the heart of the man he has chosen for you.

    Blessings,

    Sarah.

  6. Awwww Lauren, we are two peas in a pod…well minus the Good Luck Chuck part. I have asked those very questions myself. It took me a very long time to stop asking or hearing those questions pop up after a break up/being ditched. We serve a BIG God…we have to rely on His word and trust His timing. Why do I find that part hard? I don’t know but I’m working on it. Well okay rather letting God work on me.

  7. Those questions seem to never end, don’t they? One way I have found to put them to rest and see the bigger picture is to change the way the questions are formatted. When we ask “Why me?” and “What am I lacking?”, we are failing to recognize that there is a God that is bigger than us. If we take those questions and insert Jesus instead of ‘me’ or ‘I’ it completely changes our perspective. If you ask instead: “Why Jesus?” and “What is Jesus lacking?” it changes the way we think. If we believe Jesus created us in His image and He is perfect then we have no reason to fix ourselves because He did that for us on the cross! A huge part of seeking healing is to be honest with Him about the hurt and pain. In a time of hurt it seems impossible to think that it’s not really all about us and what we lack, but more to do with accepting God’s plan/will and trusting He will make good out of the hurt in our lives. Just remember that God makes beautiful things out of us, and all of us not just the ‘good parts’ of us. Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂

  8. That’s horrible! I would ask though, why are you asking yourself those questions at all when those guys were clearly not the kind you would want to be with anyway? Liars, cheaters, and dishonest guys are not “fish that got away” when they cheat and/or leave you. They are bullets dodged! Say for a minute, that you were “enough” by that standard and were the girl they go on to marry. They…win? They get a guy who was too dishonorable to play you straight. I totally get grieving for the end of a relationship, but you shouldn’t be asking yourself what is wrong with YOU when guys are asses to you. It’s not like bein prettier or funnier or hotter will turn a cheater guy into a good one. They are to blame for their behavior, and only them 🙂

  9. You’re not alone & it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one out there!! I’m in my late thirties & feel like I’m never going to find a trust worthy guy who truly puts god first! Who will love me second & have no desire to think of another woman! You’re story is almost the same as mine! I’m so sorry! “my guy” will not fess up to his lies & I have no actual proof of anything but I know I’m not wrong about certain things that have happened & only I have seen them! Yet he has all of my family & friends thinking I am crazy & making things up! Telling me to seek a doctor because my anxiety is getting the best of me! He is the cause of my anxiety! I’ve left him 5 times and we have only been together 2 years! I know God has given me the feelings & signs I need to get out but the devil keeps letting his lies talk me back in to a disastrous relationship! I’ve stayed strong this time! I’m 26 days in of not giving into him! The reason he can’t seem to let me know is, he knows he has a good thing & I am a good person…..yet I’m not the nasty trash he likes on the side as well! Please pray for me, as I will do the same for you! I have been a single person a lot in my life due to not putting up with men like this…. I just don’t understand why they keep finding me! You stay strong, as I am trying the best I can to do the same! And it’s funny but I’ve been drowning myself in Oreos every day! Eeeeek!

    1. Stay strong Heartshattered! I know EXACTLY what you’re feeling! I went through the EXACT SAME THING…. I kept forcing this relationship. I knew in my gut something was wrong but I wanted it to work SO BAD because of my failed past relationship that I stuck with it…getting trampled on. I did my best to be Godly and try to “LOVE him into loving me”….it’s not worth it. tI took mine so long that God put me into a position that I was REQUIRED to listen to him (it’s a long story) but I was that much more heartbroken when the time came. Had I ended it when I first felt that way, I would have saved myself some heartbreak….listen to your heart. It’s God. And he knows what’s best for you.

    2. I am praying for you, my dear. You deserve so much more that what you’ve found and I can tell this just from how nice you’ve been to me. It looks like we have to stick together in situations like these!

  10. You are absolutely not alone Lauren. Your story is in some ways similar to mine. I’m sure God will bring us the right person soon. You’re an amazing girl!

  11. Because you don’t need them. You need Him. He will provide the right man for you.

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU

    Why are you looking for love
    Why are you still searching
    As if I’m not enough…

    The above comments put it much better than I can. But when I was hurting because of a very similar situation and had the same questions, the song I posted came on the radio.

  12. I have never had the experience of being cheated on and left, because I have never had a boyfriend, but as I am nearing the middle of my twenties, I have seen several young men who I had a really big crush on fall in love with and begin relationships with close friends of mine. I constantly find myself wondering, maybe it’s because I’m black and I hang around a lot of white people… maybe it’s because my hair is a delicately balanced science and I’ll probably cut any man who just runs his fingers through it… maybe it’s because I just moved to this community 10 years ago and I’m still an outsider… maybe it’s because I’m not smart, pretty, witty, fun, lovable, cute, thin, curvy, tall, short, rich, ‘fill-in-the-blank’ enough for a guy to love me. I know that none of thouse are true, and it really won’t matter in 50 years if I had a boyfriend today (especially if I break up with him and am single again in a few weeks), it still hurts a bit to see all of the guys at church I ever cared about pursuing all the girls around me and not even casting a second glance my way…

  13. Hi Lauren,
    It is absolutely so cliché to say “just be you” “love yourself”
    We hear this EVERYDAY but the truth is so many of us don’t know what that actually means. It is so difficult to love yourself in a society that maintains beauty as the arbiter of success. I have been in therapy for the last 2 months and if there is ONE thing that I have learned is that people will be drawn to you when you fall in love with yourself. It takes EXTREME EFFORT to wake up everyday and say “Darn It…I AM ENOUGH”
    It doesn’t matter if I get promoted on my job…it doesn’t matter if people talk about me…it doesn’t matter what size my body is…it doesn’t matter if I have good skin…IT DOESN’T MATTER..
    Because I was created by the MOST HIGH GOD-and HE LOVES ME. He made me PERFECT IN HIS IMAGE and I AM A DIRECT REFLECTION OF HIM.
    When we begin to TRULY UNDERSTAND and internalize who our creator is we can begin to see ourselves as PERFECT. At this moment in life you are exactly where you are supposed to be and you are doing the absolute best you can.
    You are deserving of the ABSOLUTE best and I know sometimes I am quick to give attention to anyone who gives me attention because of how long I have been single. But you know what I AM GOD’S best…so I want His best.
    YOU DESERVE EXCELLENCE IN LIFE DARLING….NOTHING BUT EXTRAVAGANCE. Put the Oreo’s down, open your Bible…and start writing scriptures that affirm who you are in Jesus Christ. Make it habit to say NO…”No I don’t accept that negative thought…No, I am BEAUTIFUL.”
    You are so precious so start seeing yourself that way…and surround yourself with women who are confident in Christ because I PROMISE it will begin to rub off on you.
    Your prince is coming…but his love WILL NOT erase the inadequacies you feel. So get ready girlfriend 🙂 <3

    1. You are just a fabulous person! Tonight was another hard night in the love area, but it’s so wonderful to have a community of women like yourself to come to. Just reading these comments makes me feel better. I’m still struggling, but I’ll try to leave out the cookies this time.

  14. I’ve avoided a lot of tears by holding on to this one standard I have:

    I have 2 criteria for whether I invest in a guy:
    1. He has qualities I’m looking for, and
    2. He absolutely adores me

    If he just fulfills the first criteria but doesn’t invest in me, doesn’t go out of his way for me, doesn’t show me every day that he thinks I’m a goddess, he’s not in my life. It’s so simple, yet, as women, we convince ourselves that we need to put in work to earn a man’s love and approval and to keep him near. It’s a total lie; we don’t have to do anything or be anything more than the beautiful, amazing woman we already are. You are more than enough for any man worth his salt to pursue you, love you and do everything in his power to keep you, EVEN with all your “flaws” and shortcomings. But the only way we allow ourselves to get hurt is when we fight for someone who doesn’t adore us. Uphold your standard and never compromise on it no matter how dreamy he is. You are worth everything!

  15. I’m Emily and I’ve gone threw many of the same things that you all have. I had been in a very verbally abusive realtaionship with a guy that I thought was perfect for me,but I ignored the signs. I had all of my family and friends tell me what he was doing but I would just ignore it. The thing was,I was getting used to the way he was treating me thinking that it was normal to be treated that way. We had been together for almost 6 months and I put up with it for that long, until I prayed to God to show me the truth and to guide me on what to do. I then started to see how other girls were treated at my high school, and how they weren’t getting yelled at for not sitting close enough to their boyfriend. I started to think about how I was actually be treated, how it was not okay for him to lie and try to get me to do things that I didn’t want to, to try and make ne think that I didn’t love him unless I did what he told. And how the way that he treated his mom would be how he would treat me as a wife in the future, and I’ve never seen a son so cruel and disrespectful to their mother ever in my life until I met him. I knew I wouldn’t want to ever break up with him so I told my best friend to tell me that I have to brake up with him if he did one more thing. Sure enough he did and I didn’t want to break up with him, but I thought about how dumb it was that while on the phone, he screamed and chucked his phone at a wall because I beat him at trivia crack, that was ridiculous. There were so many way that he treated me wrongly that I could probably sit here and write you a novel.You might not believe it but there was a good side to him but to me, that’s all that I saw. I ended up breaking up with him at my school before lunch and he grabbed my arm and put him forehead against mine and said STOP and he blocked me from going to lunch. He wouldn’t stop, until a teacher had to get him to leave me alone. He then ran away and threw a tantrum and started screaming, I know what your thinking, wow real mature. I couldn’t believe how much stress was off of my shoulders and I felt free. It was a great feeling because I thought it was all over but, it wasn’t. I came home from school and he was in my house…… He had walked all the way to my house, and he left school early. I couldn’t believe it? I thought that was it, that it was all over. But he just wouldn’t stop. After he left my house he called a bunch of times and texted all my friends saying that it was their fault, and that apparently he was so upset that he punched holes in his walls and ripped his curtains. I was so overwhelmed and I thought it would never end. I would cry myself to sleep every night after that. I tried being friends with him, but that didn’t work out because he grabbed and I told him to stop and he said no, so I had to physically push him away. I told a teacher and she didn’t do anything and I completely cut him off and never talked to him again. He still tries to talk to me but I always have a friend around now. I used to be scared of him, but I’m not anymore. After that I became depressed until we had a bible camp at my church when I left that I was happy for the first time in a while. But boy the devil was really trying to get at me. 2 days after that, a friend that I went to the camp with told me that she liked a girl. I couldn’t believe it because we had just learned about how in the bible liking your own sex was a sin and that people who said that they “liked” the same sex were just confused. I was so in shock I didn’t know what to say so I said oh and I tried to tell her that we just learned about this at the camp and she just said I know. After that she would do things like hold her hand and just a bunch of PDA which made me really uncomfortable because I didn’t believe it was right. So I told her how it made me feel and that as I Christian I believed it was wrong and that I wouldn’t be around her and her girl that she liked. She got really mad at me and I lost my best friend but I had to stand up for what I believed in and stand with the armor of God. It was so hard and that lasted a while and I couldn’t remember the last time I had been happy and I became depressed again. I prayed about it and talked to my youth leader and she talked to me friend and we became friends again and that she needed to understand that it made me feel uncomfortable and that I was against it and didn’t want to be around it. She said she understood but she would tell me why? It’s the same as any other relationship. She started believing that it was normal and I didn’t even feel like I knew her anymore. This is still going on today and I don’t know how to stop it. Things were staring to get better and then satan had to try again! Now I’m getting bullied by some of the people that I thought were my friends. There trying to make it so that I don’t have friends and there telling everyone in the school lies and people are believing them and I have one friend now and I don’t know what to do anymore. This happened Wednesday and still is. I don’t even want to go to school because I’m scared, scared of what’s going to happen next. What’s going to happen when I walked threw the door of my school. I cry at school a lot now and people give me dirty looks. At lunch I went to get hot lunch and when I came to sit down my chair was gone. My so called “friends” took my chair and they started calling me fake and giving me dirty looks. So I walked to the bathroom and sat there and cried. They repeatedly did this over and over until I moved to sit by someone in my band. I now struggle with trust and anxiety majorly and I beg my mom to move school because I hate it. This all happened in the past two month. I don’t know what to do I’m so overwhelmed any advice? Please help?

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