I Am Mad At God

In Inspiration by Lauren Sergesketter15 Comments

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I am mad at God. I am mad at the things that have been happening in my life. I am mad that nothing is changing. Most of all, I am mad that God thinks I deserve this.

I’m mad that the one that got away, after ten years of friendship, got engaged and eloped within a few weeks without so much as a text message to tell me. I’m mad that every person around me is finding their other half, leaving me to be the odd one out. I’m mad that somehow I’m ending up the unicorn as the ark is floating away.

When I first started to write this, I wanted to convince myself that I was okay. I realized I was spitting out clichés when in my real life I’m spitting fire. My words are constantly harsh. My moods are constantly in a downward spiral. My smile is always fake.
Usually I could blame this on seasonal depression. The sun goes down early, the days are cold, and the made-for-tv movies are sappy and tear-jerking. But not this year. I’m not depressed. I’m numb. While there is great hope for Christians during Christmas, some of us still don’t feel that hope. I sit in church every Sunday hoping not to start crying while every other person is singing Christmas songs and feeling a sense of joy and peace. This Sunday, the Advent candle was the candle of Joy and all I could think through the reading was “Where is my joy? Where is my happiness? Why does everyone else get to feel it?”

Psalm 30:5b “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
When I first read this verse I thought, “It’s morning. Shouldn’t all this pain be left to yesterday?” But thinking now, as I write about my anger and my heartbreak I realize that I haven’t had my morning yet. God doesn’t know time zones. He doesn’t know the restraints of twenty-four hours. He makes night into day when He is ready. Not when we are.

One of my favorite songs we do in our church choir is actually for Easter, but I feel the words mean more to me during this time of my life.
My child, I see your sadness, I know the pain you bear.
I walked the road of suffering and in your grief I share.
I was despised, rejected, afflicted with shame and despair.
Yet, all your sorrows I’ve carried to the cross and laid them there.
And joy returns in the morning,
The tears of sadness and pain from the night fade away.
I am the God who fed the many thousands,
The God who calmed the raging sea.
The God who formed you and knows you,
so place your trust in Me.

Jesus was despised, rejected, full of shame, and desperate. It’s so easy to forget that during our pain He is feeling it, too. He has already felt it. I’m mad at the world, but Jesus already felt that anger and took it to the cross those thousands of years ago. He knew this was a chapter in my life that I’d have to trudge through. I’m mad. But someday, God will decide that it is morning for me, and joy will return in the morning.

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Comments

  1. Liz

    I really appreciated your transparency here. I’ve gone through those same feelings. God knows our hearts and there is nothing we can say that He doesn’t already know. Nothing shocks Him as He is the one that created us.

    Life is hard. Life is unfair. One day all wrongs will be made right. I’m so thankful for that reassurance. It doesn’t make things any easier now…but to know that He will hold all of us accountable.

    Hang on to His promises. Memorize them. Put them around your home in different places. Stay in His Word and He will be faithful.

  2. Bristen

    Ummm..so when I read the title of this, I thought, “This is exactly what I’m going through and have been scared to say.” Seriously. Thank you so much for your transparency here. I can relate in so many ways and have been in a solid year of the worst possible experiences I’ve had in all my 24 years of life – from deaths in the family, to family getting involved in terrible things, to failed relationships (while most of my friends are married and having kids), and escaping an abusive church environment. It definitely has been “nighttime” for me also. But how encouraging it is to draw upon scriptures and to see that many before us have walked these same dark roads and worse. And God ended up using those people (and their brokenness) greatly. There is HOPE that is on the other side of this, and that is what gets me through! Thanks for this story. Be encouraged that you’re not alone. xoxo

    1. Liz

      Wish I could hug you — I”m glad you see the hope on the other side of what you’re going through. I had to be given some perspective — and boy did it knock some “selfishness” out of me.

      Watch this video. It will humble, yet inspire you.

      http://youtu.be/0QIZEfmoDC4

      1. Angela

        wow what an awesome woman, so strong and beautiful inside and out. You have inspired me to be more thankful and loving God Bless you and your Family.

  3. Kim

    I appreciate your transparency too and have felt the same in the past – – – for longer than I like to remember. There were nights, days, weeks, months when the only prayer I could offer was, “Thank you God for loving me, even though I don’t feel it.” But I have come to believe that the people who experience this ‘dark night” are the lucky ones, if they can hold on long enough to come through it. Morning will come. And you will not just know/believe/see – – – but you will FEEL God’s love and experience the reality that God DOES NOT think you deserve this. And morning will come when YOU are ready. (God is not holding out on any of us.) Not everyone can handle the truth. Those who enter the dark night can and are being prepared for it. When you are ready, that truth will set you free…and all that other stuff that brings happiness, while it may indeed come to you, will seem small in comparison to the joy that you will know without it. It is okay to despair. That is part of the journey. But don’t let it be the journey’s end. God who began this work in you will finish it and you “shall come forth as gold!” Many blessings. – Jeremiah 33:3.

    Have you seen this? (From the film “The Apostle.”)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5v5DOEF45E

    Kim.

  4. bruce nahin

    Lauren…Wowthank you so much for sharing I am going through similar circumstances..i pray the lord opens wide his blesdings for you this new year and i pray numbers 6:24-26 over you

  5. Kim

    HI,
    I just wanted to offer some encouragement. I’m not saying I know what you are going through. I always went to church and thought I had a pretty good relationship with God.I was in love with my high school sweetheart, we were supposed to get married and then he cheated on me. I was devastated, I became depressed and developed a really low self esteem. All my friends were getting married. I kept walking through life just focusing on trying to find someone to fill that need in my life, looking for a man to love me and make me feel good. All the while I didn’t know God was right there waiting on me to turn to him to fill that hole in my life. I gave up and turned to God, For the first time I gave him my hole life, my plans, my future. In that time in my life I learned how to be completely dependent on Him. I no longer walked through life looking for that man but instead focused on what God wanted me to accomplish in life, and just being complete in him. I later fell in love with a my husband, I don’t think I would be the person I am today if i wouldn’t have walked through that “lonely” time in my life.

  6. EJ

    I really appreciated reading this. I can’t believe the negative comments this has gotten on Pinterest and it breaks my heart that some who call themselves Christian would criticize you so harshly for being real, open, and honest. It makes me really, really sad…
    But, I love that you have put into words what so many of us are scared to admit. God loves you, and he is absolutely big enough to handle you being mad at him. He knew you were mad before you ever put words on the page, and he loved you still. Blessings <3

    1. Lauren Sergesketter

      EJ, I was unaware that it was getting such negative comments and that makes me really sad. I’m a youth church choir director, I am a church organist, and I would put my life on the line for my church family. But as we all know, even the most devout have difficult times. While I know many won’t understand and will take it the wrong way, I put it out there because I know so many have to be feeling the way I do. I’m glad to see it touching so many because I want people to understand what I didn’t: We’re not alone in this.

  7. Anna

    The truth is that we’re all extensions of God & all hold the same power to create & bring forth joy. When you act as a conduit of divine energy rather than as a passive victim of life, you’ll realize you have more control over the way your life turns out. Everything you experience is a result of choices YOU make & an innate desire to experience that. You carry w/in you the frequency of the universe & kingdom of heaven. Jesus wasn’t the exception for humanity, he was an example. As was Buddha & many others who tapped into the divine gifts shared by the Creator. Often we give so much of our power to the things outside of us so that it’s easier to blame the world or God for your troubles. But rarely do we ever take responsibility for our circumstances. The truth is we get what we ask for. Deep down you are carrying negative energy that attracts negative situations. Have you ever noticed how a bad day tends to draw in more bad things one after the other or how a stroke of luck draws in more fortunate moments? Have you looked into the research behind meditation & prayer reducing crime rates? Or how about the Quantum Wave-Particle Theory that implies we are changing atoms simply by observing them? Your mind & emotional state are very much connected & congruent to reality. Stop living as if life is happening to you, YOU are happening to life! Regain your power back b/c it’s not God that’s doing anything other than creating you & giving you the power/free-will to contribute in shaping our world. The greatest sin is not graciously accepting that gift to create w/ the rest of humanity a beautiful consensus reality. With power comes great responsibility. Use it or lose it. Good luck! Peace & blessings <3

    And if you should ever doubt yourself or God. Read "The Game of Life" by Florence Shinn. It's short & there's free pdfs of it online. And if you're not much of a reader, then watch any of Wayne Dyer's funny & inspirational talks on youtube.

  8. Cathy

    Lauren,

    Thank you for your honesty. I’ve never been mad at God, but I sure have questioned Him a lot! It’s nice to know I’m not the only Christian who will admit to being human and having those emotions toward my Heavenly Father.

    Again, thank you for putting into words what many of us, especially women, are sometimes even afraid to think.

    Hang on, dear one…the joy of the Lord is your strength…(Nehemiah 8:10b).

    Cathy

  9. Corrie

    I too wrestle with an unfulfilled desire and can relate to what you write. I appreciate your honest words. I feel betrayed by God at times when I have trusted, went down a path I felt he had laid before me, only to end in loss, disappointment and grief. We can not know why God has some of us walk though a desert. At times I feel He is nowhere near, and then through someone of something He reminds me He is forever close and He does care. Keep wrestling and don’t give up!

  10. SJ

    Every once in a while, we get mad at God. It’s ok. Anger is part of any relationship. At least that’s what I learned after 10+ years of being in a relationship with God. Your honesty is what makes this piece worth reading. God bless.

  11. Kelsey

    Thank you for your honesty. So many of us try to push down the pain we are feeling. The world encourages us to be strong despite the fact that we feel anything but.It’s okay to not feel okay. These revelations you brought to light are inspiring and encouraging. Thank you! What is the name of the song you refer to above??

  12. KC

    Thank you for your article. I am experiencing the same feelings. I know God doesn’t make mistakes and everything that happens is for a purpose. However, I’m having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The things that happened to me this year, I feel responsible for because God gave me the warning signs but I ignored them. I went through an emotionally abusive relationship with a binge alcoholic because I thought with enough love he’d change, I got pregnant by him and miscarried which sent him spiralling further into alcohol, and I became so emotionally attached to his 7 year old he had custody of I stayed too long in the relationship for her. I’m seeing a Christian therapist and she is saying the same thing as your article. When I’m having a particularly bad day, I re-read your article. Thank you.

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