I am mad at God. I am mad at the things that have been happening in my life. I am mad that nothing is changing. Most of all, I am mad that God thinks I deserve this.
I’m mad that the one that got away, after ten years of friendship, got engaged and eloped within a few weeks without so much as a text message to tell me. I’m mad that every person around me is finding their other half, leaving me to be the odd one out. I’m mad that somehow I’m ending up the unicorn as the ark is floating away.
When I first started to write this, I wanted to convince myself that I was okay. I realized I was spitting out clichés when in my real life I’m spitting fire. My words are constantly harsh. My moods are constantly in a downward spiral. My smile is always fake.
Usually I could blame this on seasonal depression. The sun goes down early, the days are cold, and the made-for-tv movies are sappy and tear-jerking. But not this year. I’m not depressed. I’m numb. While there is great hope for Christians during Christmas, some of us still don’t feel that hope. I sit in church every Sunday hoping not to start crying while every other person is singing Christmas songs and feeling a sense of joy and peace. This Sunday, the Advent candle was the candle of Joy and all I could think through the reading was “Where is my joy? Where is my happiness? Why does everyone else get to feel it?”
Psalm 30:5b “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
When I first read this verse I thought, “It’s morning. Shouldn’t all this pain be left to yesterday?” But thinking now, as I write about my anger and my heartbreak I realize that I haven’t had my morning yet. God doesn’t know time zones. He doesn’t know the restraints of twenty-four hours. He makes night into day when He is ready. Not when we are.
One of my favorite songs we do in our church choir is actually for Easter, but I feel the words mean more to me during this time of my life.
My child, I see your sadness, I know the pain you bear.
I walked the road of suffering and in your grief I share.
I was despised, rejected, afflicted with shame and despair.
Yet, all your sorrows I’ve carried to the cross and laid them there.
And joy returns in the morning,
The tears of sadness and pain from the night fade away.
I am the God who fed the many thousands,
The God who calmed the raging sea.
The God who formed you and knows you,
so place your trust in Me.
Jesus was despised, rejected, full of shame, and desperate. It’s so easy to forget that during our pain He is feeling it, too. He has already felt it. I’m mad at the world, but Jesus already felt that anger and took it to the cross those thousands of years ago. He knew this was a chapter in my life that I’d have to trudge through. I’m mad. But someday, God will decide that it is morning for me, and joy will return in the morning.
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