Last night I prayed for God to take my hope away.
That sounds like an odd prayer, I know. I didn’t ask for my faith to be stolen or my joy to be stomped on. I just asked for my hope to be taken away. I prayed to no longer have hopes of walking down the aisle, or hopes of holding my own newborn baby in my arms, or hopes of growing old with someone. If there’s no hope, there’s no disappointment.
I worked a wedding this weekend and there was a moment that stung me like nothing else has. The priest was talking to the couple, giving them his message, when he told the groom to look at his soon-to-be-wife. She sat there looking at the priest while her groom looked at her so lovingly, and the priest said “See this girl? This is your reason for existence.” Now before anyone goes up in arms for feminism; that was just to mean that their lives were now one life and they would be working for the good of each other from that moment on.
While those words stung: “This is your reason for existence,” what stung even more was when my sister leaned over and said, “Wow. I guess we don’t have one.” And it hurt because it was true. I don’t have someone I love to come home to. I don’t have an amazing man sleeping next to me who makes me want to wake up every morning. In fact, most mornings I don’t want to wake up. I want to stay in bed and pretend nothing is as it really is.
I’ve felt so stupid lately, falling for this amazing man who told me up front that this wasn’t what he wanted. I led myself right down the path of pain and depression only to end up crying myself to sleep again and again. But I did it because this small ray of hope won’t ever go away. I always have this hope that I can change someone’s mind or make him fall for me. But life doesn’t work that way. I’ve lain in bed imagining that everything was different. Different circumstances, different feelings, different endings. None of it changes anything at all. None of it puts my heart back together or helps me move on. I’ve felt stupid and stuck.
This is far from inspirational. In my current state of mind, I can’t throw around optimism or end with some quote saying God is going to lead me through this. This is my brokenness. This is me showing the world that even Christians doubt. I fall. I break. I question myself. I question God. I am not the perfect Christian. I think that’s okay. Maybe this will all make me stronger in my faith someday; I’ll be able to look back and see what all of this was for. For now though, I’m broken, stupid, stuck, and hopeless.
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