I Asked God To Take My Hope Away

In Inspiration by Lauren Sergesketter32 Comments

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Last night I prayed for God to take my hope away.

That sounds like an odd prayer, I know. I didn’t ask for my faith to be stolen or my joy to be stomped on. I just asked for my hope to be taken away. I prayed to no longer have hopes of walking down the aisle, or hopes of holding my own newborn baby in my arms, or hopes of growing old with someone. If there’s no hope, there’s no disappointment.

I worked a wedding this weekend and there was a moment that stung me like nothing else has. The priest was talking to the couple, giving them his message, when he told the groom to look at his soon-to-be-wife. She sat there looking at the priest while her groom looked at her so lovingly, and the priest said “See this girl? This is your reason for existence.” Now before anyone goes up in arms for feminism; that was just to mean that their lives were now one life and they would be working for the good of each other from that moment on.

While those words stung: “This is your reason for existence,” what stung even more was when my sister leaned over and said, “Wow. I guess we don’t have one.” And it hurt because it was true. I don’t have someone I love to come home to. I don’t have an amazing man sleeping next to me who makes me want to wake up every morning. In fact, most mornings I don’t want to wake up. I want to stay in bed and pretend nothing is as it really is.

I’ve felt so stupid lately, falling for this amazing man who told me up front that this wasn’t what he wanted. I led myself right down the path of pain and depression only to end up crying myself to sleep again and again. But I did it because this small ray of hope won’t ever go away. I always have this hope that I can change someone’s mind or make him fall for me. But life doesn’t work that way. I’ve lain in bed imagining that everything was different. Different circumstances, different feelings, different endings. None of it changes anything at all. None of it puts my heart back together or helps me move on. I’ve felt stupid and stuck.

This is far from inspirational. In my current state of mind, I can’t throw around optimism or end with some quote saying God is going to lead me through this. This is my brokenness. This is me showing the world that even Christians doubt. I fall. I break. I question myself. I question God. I am not the perfect Christian. I think that’s okay. Maybe this will all make me stronger in my faith someday; I’ll be able to look back and see what all of this was for. For now though, I’m broken, stupid, stuck, and hopeless.

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Comments

  1. I am right there with you and it’s tough, but God WILL get us through it. He made these things happen for a reason.

  2. Hi Lauren,
    I get it. I get the brokenness and the pain you feel. But if there is one thing to not throw away- it is hope. I know you are being honest with God and that is good. And I know God will show you His goodness through this brokenness.

  3. Hi there thanks for sharing your pain and journey…
    I just wanted you to know that God works most profoundly and deeply through our brokenness, and that brokenness is a beautiful thing because it allows us to exchange our will for God’s will. Your hope is in Christ, don’t let your hope die, longing for love and marriage is natural and beautiful – but so is longing for God and His will before your own desire… because God knows the desire’s of your heart, and only He can fulfill them.
    Let go and let God, I’m praying for you if you don’t mind! Remember the wonderful love that God has for you, He will provide. He knows your tears and heartbreak, (Psalm 56:8)
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths. Proverbs 5:6-7
    Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

    1. I totally agree with you Rosa.
      Its a tough journey though!

      I actually ended last week seeking the Lord and he spoke to me in these very words:

      ”Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths. Proverbs 5:6-7
      Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4”

      I will not give up, and pray with me please for i know that the battle is the Lord’s and the victory is mine through Jesus Christ, Amen.

  4. Sweet sister…I am in a similar boat but I am 48 years old, never married and have every reason in the world to give up hope. I just had my heart broken after a 6 month relationship with a man who was a leader in ministry and who during the first few months swept me off my feet. He turned out to be emotionally unavailable, broke my heart, and in the wreckage I saw all the red flags I had missed because I made an idol of all I wanted to believe the relationship could be. I know in my mind it’s God protection that it ended (we were talking about getting engaged over the holidays)…but my heart is so far from accepting that truth. All that to say, one thing I know is that I MUST hold onto hope but that hope must be in God and his promise that He will love and romance me with abandon, that He does have wonderful things planned for my future I can’t even imagine, that marriage to a godly man who will cherish me may very well be a part of that and if it’s not, it’s only because he has something better. Please take this time to dig into God’s Word and read every scripture you can on how much He loves you and all his promises of goodness, kindness and blessing stored up for you. I will pray for you!

  5. You are not alone! I have prayed practically the exact same before. For some reason, I think that a man will complete me. That sounds awful, but to get to the raw truth…I want a guy. Just last week a guy that I have known for two years and have talked to off and on in that time “ghosted” away on me after dating for about a week. He was a genuinely nice guy (or so I thought) and whatever his reason(s) it was extremely rude to not inform me that he just doesn’t want to be with me. The guy before him was the one in which did the same by ghosting and I prayed to God to take the desire to have a man away from me. Several months went by and I gave this last guy a chance. By the acts of these men I have made the decision that I don’t need a man…right now. I know that I need to build my relationship with God and I prayed that He focus my heart on Him & trust that He will place THE guy in my life when (and if) God (and myself) are ready. The advice I can offer you is to focus your relationship on God right now. Also you are not alone in question God…just today I had a deep conversation about the Bible. I believe that it is human nature and natural to question, but have faith in God. Hold Hebrews 11:6 close to you! ; ) May God speak to you and you grow throughout your life in your relationship with Him.

  6. Wow…I just found this and I happen to be in the middle of my own heartbreak. That’s not the right word, but there is no word. My husband of 10 years and the father of my children is not well, but it causes him to be hurtful. I can’t help him to help himself and I’m going to have to let him go – watch him go to lead the rest of his life broken. He thinks it’s me, and that’s the worst to my selfish heart, that he’s blind to all the years I didn’t give up on him and worked for a positive, caring life. I am flawed on a basic level to him, I am the cause of everything. He’s made sure every single person in our lives believes him and I’ve lost everything, including my job of 15 years. I am going to be a single, unemployed 40 year old mother of 3 with zero support system. This mental illness was above my head. It won.

    I had to check the date on this article multiple times. I can’t believe you just wrote it. I have no hope. The last 10 years and the next 10 should be the best of my life, and they will ultimately be wasted. So much to give, such a desire for a mutual, loving partnership, and I know now that after trying for 20 years of my adult life to find that, I never will. I must find a way to raise my kids instead of leaving for a simple life of escape. I hope you find your peace, your hope. Keep writing and reaching out. Take care of you. Thank you so much for telling me I’m not alone. I didn’t want these tears. Now I have to make them go away.

    1. Oh Ella. Know that you are not alone. I have been there and have the t-shirt. You can’t win against mental illness and addiction. I am still in the middle of my journey. The biggest thing that helped me was when I finally realized that I am precious to God and He did not create me for this purpose. A friend helped set me free from guilt at not being able to stay, and showed me how manipulative my ex husband was. I left. And that was when I found freedom and joy again. It was devastating. It still is. But boy is life beautiful again! My husband is now on meds and is generally rational, supportive and helpful. But I know I can never go back. He will never be capable of being the husband and father we need. And my kids don’t need that chaos in their lives. Especially since my kids both got mental illness passed down to them as well. I moved out in August of this year. It will hurt for a long, long time. If I weren’t so stubborn, God could probably have done more with me already 🙂 Just rest in His arms. Know that you are making the right decision. That God aches with you and is holding you so closely right now. Take care of yourself and your babies. And lean on others -a lot. Praying for you. Feel free to respond and I can send my email address to you.

    2. God can restore your broken heart and home. He can also replace 2 or even 10 fold what you have lost. The enemy comes to steal your joy, kill you hopes and dreams and destroy all the things precious and dear to you. I know this was posted some time ago, but I hope that you have since been able to realize that God is not the author of confusion. He is a gently and loving God and will never leave or forsake you. Please dont give up on Him because He will never give up on you.

    3. I don’t know you but I know a blessing us coming your way. You sound like a beautiful person inside and out and there is no way that God will let you down…

  7. God is keeping you single until you find bliss in it. This is His lesson for you now; He won’t allow anyone to be the reason for your bliss and validation. Your own life should be the source of your excitement and you must be self-validated. Until then He won’t allow anyone to fall in love with you, and that’s a gift! He knows that if He sends someone incredibly attractive into your life, you’ll not only fall in love with the guy but with the absurd notion that this relationship and his feelings for you are everything, which is a lie that’ll lead to another heartbreak for you. You think you have a void that can only be filled by that hot awesome guy falling in love with you, but it’s not true. Your void will be filled once you approve and feel excited about your life as it is now. Instead of praying for God to take your hope away, thank Him for allowing you this time to find your bliss without distraction. This is your opportunity to make your life as fun as you want it to be and to find validation within yourself. A lot of girls have the idea that the Pinterest version of a relationship- snuggling, walking hand in hand, having breakfast in bed- is romantic when it’s really just going through the motions. What is romantic is when you’re in love with yourself and have a person who reflects your self-love back to you. God loves you too much to have you go through the motions with yet another guy before you feel whole without him. Make it your goal to get to a point where you’re actually choosing to be single. When you’re choosing your life as it is now, other people will have to convince you to give up your blissful single life instead of you hoping, wishing and praying that someone will rescue you from it. x

    1. To Bebe… I just have to say that it’s not always a matter of not having a man because we expect them to make us happy. I can say with total confidence that I have experienced true joy more times than I can count as a single person in the last few years, and it was all because of God, not a man. I am almost 25 years old, I’ve never had a boyfriend and never even so much as been asked out by a guy. I was never even flirted with or paid any attention to by a guy until very recently. To have real joy despite that can only be credited to God. But still, despite the fact that I have had real joy and fulfillment in Christ, I still don’t have a man. So it’s not always about finding joy without a man… it’s simply trusting that He’ll give you what you need when you need it. There’s no secret formula or way to do things.

  8. Wow. Thank you so much for your honesty and insightful words. This made me tear up because I’ve been there and am still there. It definitely feels easier to give up hope and just block it out, but I’ve realized that the longing to marry, have children, etc is still there so I’ll just cling to God that much more closely as we walk things out together. I will take advantage of my singleness and being able to lay in bed while I watch movies, read my Bible and more because in this season, it is God and me. I want to get my things figured out first before I introduce someone else into it.

  9. How many times I have prayed that same thing! Thank you so much for sharing. Hope sucks- makes you feel like a fool, leaves your heart always vulnerable and your brain always in a daydream. Nevertheless, I hope God rewards yours.

  10. Thank you Daughters of God for your sharing,

    I totally agree with you Rosa.
    Its a tough journey though!

    I actually ended last week seeking the Lord and he spoke to me in these very words:

    ”Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths. Proverbs 5:6-7
    Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4”

    I will not give up, and pray with me please for i know that the battle is the Lord’s and the victory is mine through Jesus Christ, Amen.

    And for all of us, i pray, may the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the Love of God the Father, and the Fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us always, Amen.

  11. Wow…it’s so good to see that other women feel the same way I do. Holidays alone are always hard for me. I am definitely grateful for the friends that invite me to spend Christmas with their family. However, my heart yearns for the day when I have my own family to spend it with, wrap gifts for my own kids, watch Christmas shows on the couch with my own husband.

    I’ve done and continue to do exciting things that make me happy, but I feel like I’m only doing them to waste the time because people give advice like, “he’ll come when you least expect it” or “keep working on yourself and doing things you love, so you’ll be prepared for him”.

    What I don’t get is the millions of woman in the world who didn’t have to do all of this, yet they still got married. They didn’t have to “work to better themselves” and still found “the one.” Some married their high school or college sweetheart and when straight into the real world as one, a team. Why didn’t the same rules apply to them?

    I’m thankful for this post because as Christians we do get discouraged and Lord knows, I’ve been feeling Lauren’s words since the week of Christmas. I was feeling so lonely sitting in my house the last 2 days, that I didn’t have the words to pray. I could only cry.

    There are married women/mothers who will never know what it feels like to be single, to wake every morning yearning to be married with children, knowing that time fights against you every year, and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. Rachel from the bible understands that, but if you can imagine how much worse it would be if she didn’t have Jacob?

    For us single women, we don’t even have the luxury of “trying and failing” for a child. We have to save all of our hope for the husband and pray it’s not too late to have children when he comes. Example: lets say I meet someone today and get engaged quickly, in say 6 months. That still 1 1/2 years away (we’re talking 2016) I’m 34, I’ll be 36 before I can even begin a serious conversation about having a child. Since I have no prospects today, I will be close to 40 (half my lifetime) before I have what some women take for granted every day.

    It’s not fair. 🙁

  12. Dear ladies, I cannot be anymore grateful reading this article and all the comments cos half way round the globe in Asia, I’m suffering the same pains and heartaches that has been mentioned.

    I recently ended a relationship with a guy who’s committed to ministry, good natured, multi-talented and knowledgeable but actually doesn’t have the capacity to give emotionally. It felt worse cos he was the one initiated this relationship but wasn’t able to deal with it and ended by saying harsh words as if it’s all my fault.

    It’s terribly hard but when we yearn for something that much, sometimes God had to throw a spanner in the works to remind us how we should keep our eyes on focused on Him. Just like when God wanted Abraham to sacrifice Issac, Abraham had no clue that God will give Issac back to him. As much as it pains him, Abraham obeyed cos he believes that God is faithful to fulfil His promise whether it’s through Issac or not.

    Don’t lose hope, instead, turn our eyes to Jesus and let the lover of our soul complete us. When we are full in the Lord, the joy is overflowing.

  13. At work and i must say this post has left me teary eyed, that is me all that you described is me right now.

    Been through so many disappointments lately i honestly asked God not so long back to end it for me and then cried when He said no, and i figured that one out when i woke up the next day.Although i repented for not trusting Him and wishing all that, I am tired of things always ending up a mess or ending before they even began, i am talking work and relationships. I am typing this with a tear soaked keyboard, i know He is faithful and i know He will do it for me, exceeding what i would have done for myself had i had the power.

    But today really has me down in the dumps, feel like there is no progress in my life and all i keep hearing the Holy Spirit whisper is I am faithful so i dont know if it is what you need to hear but the same God who got you through all you have been through is still in the miracle making business and He holds you very dear, loves you more than any man ever could, hang in there He is preparing a table for you.

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  14. I feel this exact same way. Don’t want to get out of bed, longing for circumstances to be different, wanting “him” to change and his eyes to be opened to what great thing he has no idea he has. I too have been seeking the Lord to take away the hope I have: in being a nuclear family with my son’s father, for him to really love me the way Christ does. But it’s a false hope. Our hope is to be in the Lord alone. Not in anyone or anything else. In Him there is no disappointment. And I’m learning to make HIM the reason I wake every day, allowing HIM to guard my heart and keep me from giving it to those who will just abuse it and use it for their own self centered purposes. Hang in there. You are not alone.

  15. As a fellow single woman who longs for a loving, godly man to share my life with, I have and still do suffer with longing and sadness as you do. But there is one thing that caught my attention that I feel is misleading and by being misleading, hurt you. That is what the priest said. It sounds good. It makes a point but it puts a silent burden on the people he is saying it to. When joining in marriage, you become one unit, working towards goals together, sharing the joys and hardships of life. But your marriage partner is not to be your sole existence. That role belongs to God. Your happiness should come from your relationship with God whether you are single or not. Making another human your reason for existing is idol worship. Allowing the desire to belong become your main focus will cause misery for you and push the other person away. This applies to married people as well because those insecurities and desires don’t go away because you now got a partner. Being married is hard work…it’s two people dumping all their baggage on each other. I know this because I was married for 15 years to a man who slowly starved my heart’s desire for love and affection with broken trust and rejection. My need for connection only complicated things and closed him off. My longing for a relationship guided my thoughts and actions to the point that I kind of blindly allowed myself to be caught up in a relationship with someone who was not a good partner. The words I am writing you are from my own life lessons and brokenness. I suffered unfathomable hopelessness after my divorce that has taken me 5 years to crawl out of. It has only been in the last year, actually more like the last few months, that I finally surrendered my desire and longings for a husband to God. I look back at my life and realize that if only I had done that when I was younger how much happier I would have been. I’m learning to enjoy my solitude and not feel so bogged down by loneliness. There are plus sides to being single as well and I am stretching my wings and learning to fly solo. Giving up my strife of wanting a relationship to God has given me freedom from the crippling loneliness and subsequent depression. I still have moments when my longing for a best friend and lover overwhelms me. When that sadness starts to suck me under, I reach out to my Creator for I know he loves me and will give me comfort. I trust that he has someone for me, and when it is the right time, things will come together. In the meantime, I am working on myself to become less encumbered by my own baggage so I will be a better partner, having fun being single, and not focusing on finding a relationship. I hope that in sharing a bit of my story, it will help you and others that struggle like I do, to focus on the right thoughts and not be brought down by discouraging moments such that you wrote about. I pray that you will find your way out of the feelings of hopelessness and depression, and instead find happiness as you are in where God has you right now. That really is what our focus should be…finding happiness through our relationship with God in our current circumstances, good or bad.

  16. Im married almost 30 yrs to a man who takes satisfaction from hurting me. My kids are grown now. Im without hope in a person. Im trusting God to lead me somewhere kind. Thats the only hope I have. People are not the answer. We are all battling sin, people hurt people.

  17. Here’s what I learned from traveling this very same road: Hope is the positive form of dissatisfaction and envy. To want to rid yourself of hope can be a good thing when you go about it in a good way.

    The best way? Gratitude. Start telling yourself (until you believe it) that you are grateful for what you do have in life, all the blessings and positives. Approach any problem areas that you can’t be grateful for as tests of character, or things its time to change. God (or the Universe) reacts positively to gratitude and you will find your life more enriching and worth getting out of bed for.

    I hate hope, it destroys my appreciation for the good things I already have in my life.

    Okay sermon over. Lol!

  18. *Disclaimer: this is long and it is raw, and I wrestled with whether to click submit for a long time.*

    Thank you for sharing, I completely understand.
    I know this post is from a year ago (side note: interested to know how you are now), but I’m in this thinking right now. You have described my thoughts to the letter.

    I read the other comments like an adventurer moving through the jungle with a machete, chopping through the sermons written by people who clearly didn’t read your opening statement: “I didn’t ask for my faith to be stolen or my joy to be stomped on.”

    In my personal experience, I’ve taken all this advice. Pray. Be content to be single. Wait. Practice grateful living, because joy comes from thanksgiving; “a sacrifice of praise” illustrates that it IS indeed, a sacrifice. Praising Him even when it hurts. (-Debi Pearl, “Created to be His Help Meet”) -from my decision to work on being a Godly wife, in hope-expectation-faith-preparation of receiving that which I had prayed for for so long.

    I struggle against my hope, having to balance all of life’s pressures as a single mom. Be strong, resourceful, and independent for the sake of my child; but also be soft, lovely, and vulnerable; not only for my child who needs to see that and needs that nurturer but also for myself so as not to lose my femininity while I provide and embody all things. Debi Pearl also writes in her book “a man will love that which is lovely”; written to wives, saying that wives should be lovely to their husbands (not just in appearance but in her treatment of him).

    I’ve been told that I am beautiful, I am a lovely and enduring woman with so much compassion. Intelligent and resourceful, I would make an excellent wife; and also have humility and am unafraid to take direction. However, in my experiences, I am learning that I am other things. As people’s words only go as far as their actions… What I’m being shown is different: I am worthless and worth less. I’m not worth the time and certainly not the effort. I am the beautiful fantasy, I am for using and tossing aside. I am resourceful > I am a resource > I am for using. I see intimacy and commitment between others and am told “that is not for you. you are not for loving, you are for pleasure. You are broken, damaged, and disgusting”. Men approach me and ask how can I still be single, yet those same men don’t want me. Like some terrible prank. Whatever it is about me is IN me. It’s not how I carry myself, how I live or treat others. It’s something that abides in my depths, at my core. I am the broken thing, I am the disdain, I am the burden, I am the wretch. Who the hell would voluntarily take that on? They can see it. They are drawn to take possession of it, the filthy pleasurable thing. They must own it and writhe into it, get lost into it and breathe it in. They want it. It pulls and excites them. But they cannot love it. They cannot care for it. It is not a real thing; it is their desire and their lust and cannot feel. It is a power that they can own, but once it submits itself to them the power is gone and they are repelled. This thing that is in me.. is not IN me. It IS me. It-I am its personification, as I was created. I am the lie, I am the lesson, I am not for loving.

    Each fresh disappointment drops me deeper into the pit, and I am awake at night without the sanctuary of sleep, which used to be a sweet abyss – an escape from my existence even if only briefly. I lie in the dark. At first, silent. I fall into a shallow hope, imagining – pretending that I am not alone. That there is a breath and a heaviness on the other side of the bed. That someone has welcomed me into his shelter. I hear all the things that I am not and cannot have. “That is not for you. You are not for that.” Grasping and scraping for the only affection I have, I allow myself self pleasure. “This is what they want. This is what you are for and all you will have.” I weep. But I don’t deserve even that. How dare I grasp for the solace of even the tear-strokes on my cheeks. “You are to hurt.” Natural evolution of thought and emotion brings me to desperately recount my reasons for my struggles, my standards – my life. My son. Because I know what comes next. My son. My son. He is my only love and I am all he has. I cannot. My son. Because of my son, I cannot have even this. I search for another option.. an alteration perhaps? A well-deserved portion of pain. But my son. My son will see. Someone will see. Fresh wounds cannot be secrets, and in him, I have too much to lose. I lie in the darkness. In this darkness, hope is a weapon.

  19. Hi Lauren. I don’t know if you still are active on this blog. But it would mean so much to me and maybe a lot of others if you’d share where you are now. Because where you are at the time of this post is where I’ve been for six years.

    I am hopelessly falling for my best friend. We want to be in each other’s lives but he has done all he can to make it clear to me that he does not want more than my friendship. Yet the hope in my heart will not die. Even though it has driven me to want to die. Recently I have stopped praying because I have prayed for so long that God would change my circumstances, or heal my heart, or protect me from the pain, or show me how to move on. None of these things have happened. What makes it all worse is that I was given a prophetic word by multiple people that God wants to give me the very hope that has been crushed to the point that it’s crushed me. And I’m left wondering how crushed I need to be before God will come to my rescue.

    I want to know where you are now. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I don’t see one yet and it’s been too long.

    1. Jess- an update is coming. Honestly, most of these comments didn’t come to my email and I was completely blown away to read how many of you are all feeling the same things. Hopefully my update gives you a little push in the right direction. <3

  20. I enjoyed reading this article. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that His will is to be selfish and bring me the opposite of my heart’s desires, which would make me even more depressed because I would end up with the bottom of the barrel. I stopped asking God to be with the man of my dreams a long time ago. I saved myself for 42 years in the hopes that God would send me someone that would be his existence for living, but instead He sends me liars and weak ineffectual men. Yeah, I remained a virgin for this mess. So I stopped asking, and any man that isn’t worth my time and attention (which is 99% of the men I’ve men) I just shut them down.

  21. Yes take my hope away God, that thinks humans can satisfy what only You can but I desire a spouse so deliver oh Lord if you will, never the less I will love you and worship. Easier said than done

  22. It is very unfortunate for many of us good men out there that really wanted to get married and have a family since the women of today have really CHANGED which is why many of us never found the love that we were looking for since this isn’t the good old days anymore when it really would’ve been much easier.

  23. I have been hoping for marriage ever since I rededicated my life to Christ at age 23 when an abusive relationship led me back to Him and God got me out of that relationship- all Praise and Glory and Honor to Him for that!! Even though I’ve been single since then, and I am now 36, I would actually like to just consider myself single this entire time since every relationship I have had my entire life has been bad. I had high hopes for marriage and definitely thought that I would be married by now, I mean, I was devastated when 2 of my really good friends got married to each other when I was 23 and I was like….how come I’m not married yet? I gradually got to the point to where I would be happy for people that got married rather than jealous- I mean sincerely happy without any jealousy and I give the credit to God for that. He is so capable and can change our hearts and minds in any respect if we let Him.

    Recently, I had completely lost the desire for marriage- I had been asking for years for God to take my desire for marriage away since the desire wasn’t being met and it hurt too bad to hope. I have had nothing but married and otherwise taken men approach me for the last year and I have been so disgusted by that that I did actually lose the desire completely to get married. I had now found relief in being single, being that so many relationships I saw were something I did not want- my parents had a devastating divorce, then the last people on earth that I thought would ever get divorced did- my brother and sister in law. I just kept looking at the culture of this world and thought, significant other relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and actually thought of them as disgusting. I thought, I definitely don’t want that. I just want to adopt 2 kids and stay single my whole life. The whole meeting different guys, in which God always cut off the relationship before it even turned into a date, and thinking…could this be the one? got old real quick and I soon said I’m done.

    The other night, however, the Holy Spirit revealed something very profound to me, He said “I have given you a love and everything that you need to give to your future husband. Stop quenching the desire I’ve given you, it’s turning you into a very bitter and depraved person and it’s burning a hole in your soul.” I could not deny what the Holy Spirit just spoke to me and I knew for a fact that it was Him, this kind of knowledge could not come from anywhere else. I struggled like Jacob did with the Angel for a while then finally gave in to God and said, “ok”. I now embrace my desire for marriage, nothing can hold it back, however, I have a more balanced view of it- neither the desire, nor the lack of desire is consuming me, I’m right where I need to be. I keep the hope alive because it’s holy to do that and it’s completely of God. Romans 5:2-5 says, “And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

    I pray this speaks to you, I really felt for you when you said, “if there is no hope, there is no disappointment.” It reminded me of where I was before the Holy Spirit revealed the truth to me about this type of mindset. Please know that this is bondage, and Sister, I want you to be free from that, and you know God definitely does. Release the desire to Him, release the pain and lay it at the foot of the cross, this lack of hope will consume you- you will feel free and so happy as soon as you let that wall come down. Tear down the wall and give that desire to God, He gave it to you for a reason and you have to keep hope alive, this is what brings us close to God. Praying for you and please pray for me that I also continue in this, it’s a journey and we’re all struggling in this together. Be Blessed!

  24. Even though I’m a guy, I know exactly how you feel because I’m in the same place. I’m 26 years old, single, and haven’t been in a serious relationship. There’s nights like tonight when I can’t do anything but beg God to remove my hope and desire for a girlfriend and wife. I’d give anything for Him to do that.

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