“Your lack of employment is not a result of a fragile economy. It is not a reflection of the connections you don’t have or an industry that is difficult to break into.
You are unemployed because you are a failure. You, my dear, are unemployed because you possess no desirable characteristics. This is your fault.
Maybe it started with the school you chose for your bachelor’s degree. Your state’s flagship university is not good enough. A degree from there means nothing. You should have worked harder in high school. Yes, even that far back you should have recognized that you were a subpar human being. You should have gone to an Ivy League institution. People that went to Ivy League schools are worthy of jobs.
Did you have internships while at your measly university? I hope you had five or more. If you had any less then you weren’t showing initiative. Three is simply too few. People who had more internships are worthy of employment. You are not.
And that master’s degree? From another state flagship university? Your “ambition” is comical. Please, you should have known that no amount of hard work, publications, or extra degrees would make you worthy of a career. Only the people who have been truly gifted can excel in these types of circumstances. That is not you.
You have no gifts. You may have tried to convince yourself of talents, or even just interests, in order to get those degrees but if you really possessed skill in these areas, someone would have hired you. They can see that you weren’t cut out for any of this, they know your former experience in the industry did nothing for you, they know you were never meant to survive in the real world. If they can see how pathetic you are, why can’t you? Just stop trying to force this. You weren’t made to do this. Maybe you should be doing something else with your life. Maybe you have another gift…
Of course, it would be useless to try to find it. At this point, you can’t start over. Your resume already looks like a hodgepodged mess. It accurately reflects the inadequacy that is you. There is no point making it worse by trying to highlight more gifts you don’t possess. Just look at it. So you spent time abroad? It only means you can’t commit. It means you are flighty and full of foolish worldly attributes that make you undesirable. You were president of your sorority? Hahaha, this one is too easy! You must party constantly, be ditzy and are probably a slut. You are definitely not meant for corporate America. Do we need to continue down the rest of your horrid resume? You know it is full of ridiculousness and showcases your lack-luster life.
Can’t you see? Every single decision you have made up until this point has been wrong. Your universities were wrong, your jobs were wrong, your extracurriculars were wrong, your research was wrong, your references are wrong. Everything you have ever done has been wrong. You don’t deserve a job. How could you think that? In fact, this is the first time in your life that you are getting what you deserve. All those other high points were luck, they were an accident. They were an indication of God’s pity and sympathy at the mistake he created.
He shouldn’t have made you. You have no gifts. You have no purpose. You will never succeed at anything. You are an embarrassment to everyone who knows you.”
All of this is what Satan has been whispering into my heart. Through seven months, 79 job applications and zero interviews this is what I have heard. With the continual increase of credit card debt, student loan payments and rejection letters, I write this today utterly broken.
There are some days when I open my laptop hopeful. Hopeful that there will be an e-mail requesting an interview, or that a friend will have messaged saying they have just the right job for me, or that someone won’t ask if I’m still living with my parents as a 28-year-old. Some days, I can’t even do it. I can’t look for more jobs, I can’t even open my e-mail…because I know. I know that there is nothing there. There is no job for me and no one will ever hire me.
Some days, I even fight the urge to get out of bed and shower. It seems like such a ridiculous waste of energy—energy that I need to breathe in, breathe out, and continue counting my flaws. Those days I may go to bed at 8 p.m. because I simply don’t deserve to stay awake any longer. Other nights, I force myself to stay awake, I keep retyping on Google, Indeed, LinkedIn, and every other job search engine I can think of because I don’t deserve sleep. Sleep is for people who are tired from their jobs.
So where is God through all this? I would be lying if I said I didn’t ponder this. I keep reading about his plans, my steps, his purpose…the problem is that I don’t see any of it. I don’t see his plans, I can’t see that I’m taking any steps in any direction and his purpose because my existence is definitely lost on me. I’ve cried to him about it, I’ve gotten angry at him, I’ve even tried to bargain with him. I consider these all low points.
I recently watched a message about our fears. The speaker (Craig Groeschel) shared two profound sentences. “Outcome is God’s responsibility. Obedience is yours.” I’ve been dwelling on these words and feel that the answer is right there and it’s a simple one. I don’t know where God is in all this and I don’t have to. My job isn’t to assess where He is, but to assess where I am in seeking him.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m waking up each day and simply living more like Christ. Love more, judge less, pray often, listen intently…and in my obedience, I will recognize that the outcome of all this chaos is ultimately his. Breathe in, breathe out, be obedient.
“Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps. Discipline me, Lord, but only in due measure – not in your anger, or you will reduce me to nothing.” Jeremiah 10: 23-24
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