Several girls have asked me how to find real love and what they should look for in a man. It’s in the whimsical part of the little girl’s heart to be swept off her feet by the man of her dreams and live happily ever after. Everyone wants love, that’s why romance novels and movies are a multi-billion dollar industry. Of course the growing divorce rate says these books and movies set unrealistic hopes. So what does real love look like? Are we supposed to settle for logistical partnerships or someone we just get along with because we figure it will be safe in the long run? My philosophy is that the God of romance did not design romantic relationships or marriage to be simply functional, mundane or painful. He is a God of extravagant love. Marriage is an earthly model of what His love looks like for His daughters. And umm He never wants us to settle for less than His best, duh 😉
When I was in high school, my mother gave me the book, Secrets of an Irresistible Woman. As most teenage girls, I was resistant to reading it simply because it was my mom who gave it to me. But one day, after a brutal heartbreak, I decided I needed to take the reins back to my heart. I saw the book on my shelf and started reading it. It changed me and transformed my dating life ever since. So for you who wants to truly understand your tremendous value and watch a love story unfold in your life that only the heavens could conduct…these are the tools I learned.
1. Fall in love with your life. A life filled with purpose and meaningful relationships leads to a glowing, exuberant woman. A woman on a mission with her own plans is an empowered one because she doesn’t NEED any man to complete her and her aura never screams neediness.
A lot of us think that once we meet the one, then we will start really living our lives. So we wait around for him to show up. Worst idea ever. It’s time to get busy and sprinkle your life with all things good. If a job or career isn’t in the cards right now, pursue higher education, take some classes, get involved in volunteering in a field that lights your soul on fire. The blog, www.goodguyswagger.com: Taking Back Ownership of your Life explains that we live in a self centered society that always asks the question, “what about me?” Every sales technique and marketing campaign addresses the question, “what’s in it for me?” But let’s face it, staying focused on ourselves is the quickest way to self doubt, insecurities and depression. And all those things are a potent cocktail of man repellant. When we take the attention off ourselves and start pouring into the lives of others, our life will begin to overflow with confidence, fulfillment and abundance. A woman who is in love with life is attractive to just about everyone. She glows. It can’t be any man’s job to fill your cup. Your cup should already be full. A man should only make it overflow
2. Decide who you want to be. Like the theory, “birds of a feather flock together” says, who you are is also who you attract. If you have dreams and hopes for an amazing, tier 1, grade 10, kind, loving, respectable husband, then you gotta be a grade 10 too, sister. If you want to be treated like a lady, you have to act like one. This may be a good time to take inventory of your life and who you are surrounding yourself with. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says, “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Are you spending time with people you want to be like? Do they have lives or relationships you aspire to model? If you are not being uplifted, encouraged, and genuinely believed in, you may want to seek new friends. Start living a life you are proud of and that starts with your morals and how you treat others. Be the person you want to attract.
3. Seek inner healing. Everyone has wounds and pain or experienced heartbreak. Sometimes we don’t even realize our own damage and how it creeps up and manifests in sneaky little ways. Romantic relationships magnify all our “stuff.” Until about a year and a half ago, I thought I had it all together. But I started reading the book Captivating which shone a light on a lot of inner wounds I had suppressed and ignored over the years. For the first time, I felt like I regressed into a broken soul that wasn’t worthy or even available to incredible love. But when I met Kris, he adamantly told me this was a lie I was believing, which was giving power to the people who had hurt me. Somehow he saw the true inner beauty which I felt was buried inside me, and this led me to a lot of healing. Men can’t be expected to endure our episodes of self doubt because of trigger buttons they don’t even realized they pressed. So with Kris’s encouragement, I took responsibility of addressing all my wounds.
Complete inner healing can only happen with forgiveness. This is something that is very hard for people to do, because we think our anger towards someone is protecting us from being hurt again. But, forgiveness isn’t really about them, it’s about you. When you release this anger and pain you’ve been holding so close, it gives you the power to live in freedom. Forgiveness is not saying what happened to you was okay, it is saying you won’t allow what happened to rule in your life anymore. No romantic partner will make all your insecurities, scars and problems go away. You can’t be anyone’s other half until you are yourself whole.
4. Be confident. Know yourself and own all of your quirks. When I was growing up, even through college, I had a major problem with comparing myself to other girls. From their style, the bag they were carrying, their grades, being favored by a teacher, and especially their ability to walk in confidence. I would just watch in wonder as the girl would walk in a room full of people without a trace of worry or fear. I noticed that because she was confident, no matter what she said or did…it was cool. I had tried to be what I thought everyone else wanted, but it felt so painfully awkward. So I decided to try at least ACTING confident in myself. The moment I started wearing the clothes I actually liked, and saying what I really thought, and owning all my quirks with an aura of confidence, I realized I became “cool” too. Even more exciting, acting confident actually led to me being confident!
Confident people make other people feel comfortable. I used to be so nervous walking in a room full of people because I was worried about what everyone was thinking. But then I discovered, actually no one is giving me one thought because everyone in that room is feeling the exact same way. Everyone wants to fit in, what will give you the most confidence is taking the focus off you and helping someone else feel comfortable. People always say that confidence is the most alluring thing about a woman. And you don’t have to FEEL confident all the time in order to BE confident. 😉
5. Set your standards now. Now that you have decided who you want to be, are confident, whole, and in love with your life…it is time to set some standards. Kris told me one of the things he was most attracted to was the fact that I had standards and expectations on how to be treated. A man wants to have something to live up to. He wants to know that he is spending his time and pursuit on a rarity, a woman who has self respect, which you do. A woman that not just any man can have. Thankfully, God designed it for us, so the perfect way is clear. Proverbs 31:10 says, “A wife of noble character, who is he who can find her? She is worth far more than rubies.” This indicates that we are more precious than jewels, we are a valued treasure in the heavens. It also asks, “who is he who can FIND her?” So we are the treasure and he is the hunter. This means, a man worthy of your noble heart must seek you out and pursue in order to gain your time and love.
So now that you know you are worthy of pursuit, it’s time to decide what you are looking for. A few weeks before I met Kris, I was in a bible study which required us to make a “husband list” for our homework. We talked about the power of visualization and being specific in our requests with God. My list was VERY specific and long. (Note: my list was not about material things like money, it was about character traits and values.) This might sound a little crazy or rigid, but as romantics in hope of love, sometimes us women will find ourselves making excuses and wavering on some core standards we are looking for in a lifetime mate. The purpose of a list holds you accountable to your “non negotiables” when some charming man whispers all the right things in your ear. Turning a blind eye has never worked in your relationships before has it? So why keep repeating the same thing over and over. Save yourself the heartache and make a list of those fundamental characteristics that you hope to partner with for the rest of your life. And don’t settle. God wants to blow your list out of the water.
Once again, God wants to give us better than even we can dream up if we will just let Him.
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