Rewind to early January, I began “talking” (as our society calls it these days) to a boy that had been my high school crush. He has bought us tickets to go see my favorite musician, and everything just felt perfect. Little did I know, those seemingly perfect date nights, late night Facetimes, and consistent “Good Morning beautiful” texts, would end up taking me through one of the most difficult, yet life changing seasons of my life.
Before this boy and I started talking, I had spent the past Christmas break becoming so on fire for God. I would fill my days with worship music, Joyce Meyer sermons, and Heather Lindsey inspirational posts. I would not go to sleep without reading my Bible, and I refused to go out to the clubs to drink with my friends. I was so motivated to stay focused on God, because the past semester I had lost complete control of my life.
However, once I started talking to who I thought was my “dream boy” I lost all of my motivation to stay connected to God. I stopped reading my Bible at night, and spent my evening hours texting him. I stopped listening to Joyce Meyer and spent my spare time Facetiming him. I stopped reading Heather Lindsey’s inspirational posts, and spent my time in between classes snap chatting him. I had replaced all things Godly with a boy that had rejected me many years before. I began rejecting the one man who would never leave me, nor forsake me.
We lived in separate towns, so when I would drive back home to see him, we would spend most of our time partaking in impure behavior, but would continuously reason with one another and say “it isn’t that bad because we aren’t going all the way.” In reality, every time I laid naked in bed with this boy, I was so vulnerable and felt that I had given it all away. After a month or so of the same routine, he made it known that he was nervous to continue pursuing our relationship once he moved to another state for graduate school. I was crushed. He softened the blow by telling me he would love to continue talking until we both graduated, because any “short term benefit” would be great.
I responded with quite possibly the most humiliating thing possible: “OK.”
I spent the next week trying to convince myself that I was okay with spending these next few months with him, because we were not quite ready to let each other go. I felt sad every day, but I tried to convince myself that feeling sad was better than being rejected and feeling alone.
Until one day, I visited a new church, and my whole mindset shifted.
The pastor at the church kept saying how we can say we are Christians…but many of us know in our heart that we are not living for Jesus. I felt so convicted. I remember sobbing in the middle of church. I kept thinking about the evening I had planned with this boy, but I knew in my heart if I went, I’d be compromising again. Sadly, that wasn’t enough. I ignored my conviction, and continued on with my day.
We watched Netflix, talked a little, and then one thing led to another. The next thing I know, I am laying naked and humiliated next to a boy God had told me to let go of weeks earlier.
I began crying. I stood up, threw on my clothes, and walked out the door. On the drive home I cried out to God. I kept telling him how sorry I was and how I needed his strength to end it. I had been so afraid of this point, because rejection had always been one of my biggest fears. At that moment, I felt God tell me “You, my daughter, are worth so much more.” So, I picked up my phone and called him. I told him I could not and would not do it any longer.
He did not seem phased. I was crushed.
I told God that I refused to ever go back around that mountain again. I begged him to teach me who I am in CHRIST. I thirsted for his word, and knew that I could not ever go back to who I had been. I began praying and talking to God. I began having quiet time each night with God. I put everything else on the backburner, and made God my number one. I started to develop a friend group of believers, and slowly lost my desire for sexual impurity—which had always been a struggle for me. I had to be honest with myself, and stop sugar coating my lifestyle.
I had been rejected. I had been hurt. I had sinned. I had ignored God.
Those four things have truly transformed my life. I am starting to see my worth, I am able to recognize the importance of standards, and I have finally realized that I will not be able to fulfill my purpose on this earth, if I continue to live for myself.
I know my future husband is out there. I am confident in that because I believe that God knows the desires of my heart, and as long as they are honest, pure, and Godly, he will provide for me. However, I also know that I will not meet my future husband or touch the lives that I hope to touch, if I continued to live the ungodly lifestyle I had lived for the past several years.
Ladies, stop putting your whole heart and soul into a man that only wants you for your body, and realize that you are more than a beautiful face, you are a woman of God that is loved fiercelessly by a man that will never reject you.