After a pageant like Miss USA, everyone thinks of two people: The winner and the loser. When 11 o’clock rolled around and the crown was handed off, I was excited for the new winner, disappointed for the girl I had hoped to win, and even more disappointed with myself. This was the year I had hoped to compete. This was also a year that never would’ve happened.
We always think of the world as having two types of people: Winners and losers. I live my life in the gray area. I am one of the many who gave up on their dreams and now I’m just floating in the middle, drifting through life.
A few years back, I had every intention of being in the pageant circuit. As we’ve established before, I was a fat child. I was unhappy and I never felt pretty. The second I had a crown on my head, I finally felt like someone thought I was worth something. Like I was finally good enough. I wanted to hold on to that feeling more than anything. So, I looked into pageant coaches, tried to save money for gowns, and went on a diet.
Here’s the thing no one ever tells you: You can lose all the weight in the world, find the prettiest gown imaginable, and say all the right things, but you still won’t be good enough. Someone will still be better than you. Someone will still look down on you. Someone will still try to steal that crown right off of your head. I was introduced to the world of pageants where fourteen year old girls looked not only prettier, but more mature than I did. I felt like a complete imposter.
So I went home, blew my money on ice cream and brownies, sold my gowns, and watched everyone live the life I had so badly wanted. I worked with pageant girls as they searched for the perfect gown and passed on my little knowledge to them in hopes that something I said would help them live out my dream. I’ve lived vicariously through every teen girl in my area working her way to the pageant circuit.
I have two more years to compete in the Miss USA circuit.
I have no training. I have put on weight. I have lost determination. I have given up on myself.
This seems like such a small dream to let go of, but this was just one of many. I’ve given up on marriage, on children, and on the hope of being happy. I’ve been stuck in this weird, gray area of my life where I feel that not only have I given up on God, but that He’s given up on me.
I caught myself on Sunday thinking, “Being a non-believer must be so easy. You have no expectations and you don’t feel like you’re letting your creator down.” To feel like you’re letting the creator of the universe down is a horrible feeling.
I know God didn’t put me on this earth to just win a crown. He won’t be disappointed in me if I never win another thing in my life. But I feel like I’m disappointing Him by not even trying.
He crowned me the day I was born and I’ve thrown that crown on the ground and said it wasn’t good enough. How dare I?! I’ve quit trying to live the life He planned for me because I thought I knew better. How dare I?! Of course I haven’t been successful…I’ve turned my back on the One that actually believed in me!
I have to believe God hasn’t given up on me yet. I may not have all my old dreams come true, but sometimes dreams change. We grow. We mature. We come to realize what we were really put on this earth for. God can’t give up on me…there’s too much left to do.
This world is full of winners and losers. I’m a dreamer stuck in between. Whether I get it together within the next two years, or if it takes me another ten, I can’t wait to share the outcome with the amazing Creator of it all. He’ll be there with open arms whether I have a crown on my head or tears down my face.
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