I’m not entirely sure where to begin. When Kris and I got engaged, I made it very clear to him that I may never want children. I had grown up dreaming of what my children would be like one day, what they would look like, and I even kept an ongoing baby name list. But, as I grew older, I realized the not so dreamy side that come with children. I saw the dreams and unexpected financial sacrifices my parents made to keep us going, cultivate our talents, and give us opportunities. I felt bad for them and wondered what their life would be like if they didn’t make so many sacrifices. Would they be happier? Would they be more successful? Would they have different and more fulfilling careers?
When I looked around me at restaurants or different settings and saw parents with their children, they sometimes looked miserable. They couldn’t carry on a conversation without multiple disruptions and eventually had to pack up and leave because the kids got too loud and obnoxious. I remember going to a friends house a couple years into our marriage. They had three children and we were meeting them for lunch at their pool. But when we arrived, it was chaos. The mother was making lunch for all of us. She and her husband were tending to all the children making sure they didn’t drown, hit each other, or whatever else parents worry about. I think we may have exchanged five complete sentences. When we left, I felt completely overwhelmed and more firm in my resolve not to have children. I value my freedom. I want to leave the house when I want to and I don’t like messes made by anyone other than me (my husband already makes a big enough mess).
In 2013, I received several random words from different people prophesying that I would give birth to a son at the end of the year. The first one I laughed off and thought, “Wrong!” But, by the second and third word, I became unnerved and confused. Usually, the Lord speaks to me about something and then other people confirm it. I hadn’t heard from God at all on this, so I began wondering if something was wrong with me or if He was speaking to me through other people.
I told God, “If this is from you, I want to hear directly from you. I want you to speak to me about the timing of my child, what he/she will be and name them like you did with your children in the Bible.”
I also asked God, “Show me it is time for me to have a baby by letting me feel an absence in my womb.”
Every night, I asked God to speak to me about it through a Bible verse. I asked for a verse every night, but I never received anything related to a child. I took a break from it for a few months and stopped asking. Then, one night in January 2015, I asked God to speak to me through a verse, and I got this:
You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Immanuel.” Luke 1:31
Talk about knocking two birds out with one stone! Then, in December 2015, Kris and I took a day to ask the Lord what to dream for in 2016. He showed me a blissful pregnancy.
He gave Kris the verse,
“Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, a virgin will be with child and bear a son, and she will call His name Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14
He got a completely different verse from the Old Testament prophesying what was to come, which was the verse I got in the New Testament. Say whaaat?
I began reading pregnancy books, but I still didn’t feel an absence in my womb. I didn’t feel quite ready, whatever that means. There was more I needed to accomplish. I wanted to finish my next book, start a women’s group, and lead a women’s retreat. I had heard that you’ll never be ready to have a baby, there will always be things to do, money to save and places to go. I understood that, but I did believe God was good and caring enough to prepare my heart and spirit to be a mother, to shift something within me that needed to be shifted. I didn’t want to have any regrets, resentment, or resistance. I wanted to be completely within God’s will and timing as much as I could help it.
The Lord had spoken to me through the year about how it was time. I saw visions of my children in Heaven with God. I had seen a vision of God writing my daughter’s name in the stars and I had looked into her beautiful eyes and wept.
I finished my book and started a women’s group. I traded my sedan in for an SUV after researching the safest ones for babies. Then, suddenly one day in June, I decided it was time. Mind you, Kris had been ready to have a baby since before we got married so he was just waiting for me to get on board. I was absolutely convinced we were pregnant. I had dreams about it. I couldn’t wait to take the pregnancy test. It was negative. I fervently took more a few days later thinking it must have been too early to tell.
I was so sad…and confused. In my head, I always thought it would happen right away. People told me, “It doesn’t happen right away, it might take a while.” I didn’t understand that. I thought, “No, God has spoken to me about this.”
We tried again the next month. Negative test. We tried again the third month. Negative result. I felt punched in the stomach, I felt crippled in disappointment. I felt angry with God. I couldn’t understand why He would tell me something so clearly and then not allow it. Was I unfit to be a mother? Am I unable to hear from God? I had this gaping hole in my stomach. I felt incomplete. Why God, why? Why are you letting me be in this pain?
Then, I remembered, that is what I asked for. I asked to feel an absence in my womb to tell me it was time, and God answered me.
Kris and I went on many walks where he had to pray for me. Thank God he was strong! Meanwhile, four of my close friends announced they were pregnant. I was so happy for them, but it made me question if I had fallen out of favor with God, if I did something wrong. I considered myself unwavering in my relationship with Him, but this shook it. I had talked with women who deeply desired a child, who grieved an early miscarriage, who couldn’t get pregnant or were jealous other women had children. I could never truly relate to or understand their pain. I always thought, “Praise the Lord, another month of freedom! It’ll happen when it happens. Trust God.” Now, I understand.
Although, my story pales to the plights of many women who struggle with these things, I got a small taste of the grief they endured. I got a glimpse of what it is like for couples who can’t conceive. For this, I am thankful the Lord awakened a compassion in me that couldn’t have been there before.
After the third try, my dermatologist called me one day. She said, “I got a refill request for spiranolactone. If by any chance you are trying to get pregnant, you need to stop it immediately.” Spiranolactone is a medication for hormonal acne that blocks the production of testosterone. If I were to have a boy, it could cause feminization.
I broke down in tears. God had been protecting me and my baby all along. I had doubted Him, my relationship with Him, and His goodness.
Our next chance to try was September. I was on a hike and realized if we conceived in September, we would be at three months by the time of my 30th birthday. I was ready to surrender at that point. I made a petition with God. I said, “If I conceive this month, I will honor you by celebrating this new life and have a big birthday party to announce the baby’s arrival. If I don’t conceive, I will not have a party and take a break from trying.”
My friend, Sherry prayed with me in the car the night of September 15th. The Holy Spirit filled the car, I realized I was rocking back and forth as she prayed. Something happened in my spirit as she prayed and I knew Kris and I would conceive that night.
Please share if this blessed you!