“It’s all in God’s timing!”
I only spoke with a few people along my journey. One of the months I got a negative pregnancy result, I told a friend. Her response was, “Welp, it’s all in God’s perfect timing!” It felt like a slap in the face and dismissive. Someone’s longing and heartache should not be met with a trite Christian one-liner. Although it is true about God’s timing, I learned that the flippant use of it is not helpful in the midst of someone else’s grief, especially with someone who already knows it.
There is so much more to God’s timing than an over simplified phrase or meme. Every situation is different. His reasons are different in each case, and sometimes we have something to do with the timing. In my case, I was confused because I thought He had spoken to me. But, I wasn’t getting pregnant. The fact is, He had spoken to me. But, I had also prayed months prior asking God to protect my future baby and for its perfect health. He was answering that prayer by not allowing conception until I was off of a medication that could hurt my child. In this case, I was involved in His timing.
God is FUN. He celebrates us. He invites us to the banquet hall and His banner over us is love. Look at how He celebrates the return of the prodigal son. It is extravagant and undeserving. Look at how Jesus turns water into the finest wine at a wedding. God loves celebrating the covenant of marriage. It could only be just like Him to time it out so I could announce baby’s arrival for my 30th birthday after my first trimester. Three and 30 are numbers of completion and beginnings in the Bible. Don’t you just love seeing God’s handprints all over your story in hindsight? It’s so blurry and dark in the middle of the pit…and so ridiculously awe inspiring and magical in reverse.
By the fourth month, I realized I wasn’t as caught up in my body image. Being a performer my whole life, I have always been body conscious. But when I began noticing some cellulite on my stomach and legs and shockingly didn’t try to diet it away or run it off, I knew the Lord was kindly preparing me for the body changes that come with pregnancy.
Since we began trying, I started brainstorming how I would tell Kris we were pregnant. I wanted it to be really special. It seems women get all the attention and doting and I wanted him to feel very honored and involved from the start. I was on a hike on my usual trail. The Lord seems to always speak to me on this trail. He showed me the vision.
I raced home and got on etsy.com. I custom ordered two shirts and a onesie.
They arrived in July. Then I wrote him a letter and included a card that detailed all the Bible verses we had received about our baby along with their respective dates.
I had them wrapped for months, just waiting.
Like a crazy person, I couldn’t wait the full two weeks to take a normal pregnancy test, so I scheduled blood tests instead
Then the fourth month, I realized I was going to be out of town the weekend I’d be able to find out. I knew I couldn’t keep the secret for a whole weekend without telling Kris or have the discipline not to take a pregnancy test while I was gone. So, I had a blood test done before I left in hopes of telling him. I just knew it would be positive. I could feel the little changes in my body.
My sisters would be in town and I had Kris block the evening off I wanted to tell him. But, my doctor called and said the test came back undetermined.
But, there was still hope. I’d just have to fly out and go the weekend in suspense! Kris had no clue I had taken the test or that it was even time to tell.
I was going to a Joyce Meyer’s conference in St. Louis. Joyce is my biggest role model. I had a chance to meet her years before, but I declined because I literally thought I would malfunction. I know, I know…little bit too much, but hey, she’s impacted my life a lot! I had butterflies in my stomach all weekend just knowing I was pregnant and getting a chance to meet Joyce again. We met. We got a picture. My heart was racing, but thankfully I held it together and didn’t malfunction.
I flew back to Los Angeles Sunday evening and had to go straight from airport to meet Kris at a wedding. I had the uber driver stop at CVS on the way where I picked up a pregnancy test. The next morning felt like Christmas! I woke up at the crack of dawn, which never happens, and raced to take the test. I had already unwrapped it the night before so Kris wouldn’t hear the all too familiar sound.
I watched it turn positive in giddy delight.
I tried to act calm and normal when I got back in bed, but Kris could feel something was up. Like I said, I never wake up earlier than him if I don’t have to.
I said, “You know how I said I went shopping in St. Louis? Well, I got you a present.”
He said, “You did? When do you wanna give it to me”
Me, “Ummm now? But I want to take you somewhere to give it to you.”
Kris, “Okay! Can we just sleep a little longer?
Me, “Oh yeah, totally!” I laid back down and tried to relax, but my eyes were wide open.
Kris could tell I wasn’t sleeping, so he got up and made us coffee. I raced to the guest bedroom and wrapped the positive pregnancy test and put it in the box with the shirts. Then I put on my Mama Wolfe shirt and buttoned up a denim jacket over it. Good thing Kris doesn’t notice strange outfit choices.
Then, we got in the car and I started driving up to the place where we first kissed and where Kris proposed.
You can watch what happened in the video below.
I guess the Lord wanted me to have a Cinderella Ball. The thing is, big parties are expensive. I didn’t want to be unwise in frivolous spending. So, I petitioned God. My prayer:
You provided miraculously for our wedding because you love covenant. How much more will you provide to celebrate the life you are knitting together in my womb? If this idea is truly from you, I ask that you will provide for this celebration.
He got right to work. Friends offered to help without me even asking. Vendors offered unheard of deals that left my jaw dropped. A store loaned me a gown. Work had been slow for me this year, so I was a little concerned with the amount I was spending. My four year LA Fitness contract wasn’t renewed, I was barely booking and the job I recruited for went on a hiring freeze. But, then one day, I got an email from my agent about a renewal usage for a commercial I had shot four years ago for more than I could have asked for or imagined. All I could do was stare, barely breathing at the email in disbelief. But, also total belief. It was so God’s style.
I chose a Cinderella Ball to ring in my 30th and the announcement of my baby because the story of Cinderella represents our story with Jesus. She forgets her identity when her step mother and sisters treat her as an orphan left to sleep next to ashes. When she is at her lowest point, fairy godmother steps in and transforms her into what she truly is…royalty. She gives her the chance to say YES to the prince so she can step into a position of impact. It’s a story of redemption, hope, and transformation. The prince chooses her even when he discovers she is a commoner who can offer nothing of status or power to advance the kingdom, only her kind and courageous heart.
I pray a renewal of hope in the Lord over you in this season. Jesus came for you and He is coming again. We get to prepare for His arrival, to be His bride. Amen.
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