The One Thing Love Should Be

In Love by Secret Contributor7 Comments


He was the greatest boy I ever met. Sandy blonde hair. Tall and tan with those perfect dimples where one was just slightly higher than the other. He was everything I thought I needed, so I was determined to make this relationship work. It had to.

I was done fighting the bar scene and he was the perfect solution. He was the Christian knight in shining armor I had been waiting for after so many disappointments. How was I to know where it was going? How was I to know that the road ahead was dangerous? How was I to know that it would all end in tears?

Six months. It was over in six months, although in my mind it was over in three. God never warned me. God never stopped me on the street and said “I have greater plans for you. Run as fast as you can.” He never came to me in a dream to say how it would end.

In the beginning, it was a Hallmark movie in the making. A first kiss during a slow dance in my driveway under the stars on a perfectly clear winter night made me swoon. The Christmas dinner for two at a fancy hotel gave me hope. The presence of God in everything we did sealed the deal.

Then came the beginning of the end. My parents and friends saw it all before me, and looking back I should’ve seen the signs myself. But, I was blind to it all until the night I drove him home after he got too drunk at a party. He grabbed me in the driveway, kissing my neck, and I shoved him away telling him he was a sloppy drunk and our night was over. He pushed me toward my car, called me horrible things, and left me crying the whole way home. The next morning, I apologized. Crazy? Well, this was the man God had planned for me! I had to make it work. I had to deal with his anger and addictions. Maybe God had sent me to save him! 

After that, he left me sitting at home alone every weekend. My friends were gone, he was out doing who knows what, and I was in bed crying by 6 o’clock. We finally met up for dinner and I let him dump me. He dumped me with a harsh “I don’t love you, and I’ll never love you.” I stupidly left him with “I tried so hard. What else could I have done? I’ll miss you.”

God gave me so many opportunities to get out, but I was so caught up in making it work that I forgot the most important thing: Love is kind. God gives us true, perfect love every day, and we confuse it with the longing for love.

Never forget that love is kind. God is kind. And the man worthy of your beauty will be the kindest of them all.


  1. Why does this site always seem to know what’s on my mind and will give me great guidance and strength to keep going? Thank you so much!

  2. I just went through something similar. I’m 33 and still haven’t learned, or accepted for myself, that love IS kind. I pray that you will never feel the burden of having to “make it work” again, with anyone. God wants us to strive for Him, not for any other human being. Allow yourself the KINDNESS to be loved by someone worthy. This person most certainly was unworthy. I’m sorry for your tears and your pain. I’m sorry for mine too. Jer 29:11

  3. Whenever I go to this site, I always see and read the right thing at the perfect time. Its like God is calling me to go here. After finally leaving my last relationship almost a year ago, (it was a 4 year relationship), this article finally made one last “click” in my head. I’ve struggled with the choice I’ve made but have always known that it was right one. Sometimes you need a reminder and this article was such. It gave me the confidence, strength and reassurance I needed. Thank you!

  4. This situation is much more common than I knew before I was in it… It took me marrying him to find this out.

    Yes, signs were abundant but subconsciously ignored. Friends & family saw but kept (for the most part, to me at least) silent. I thought it was my calling to show him healthy, unconditional love… that I could love him into kindness, realistic expectations, and ridding him of the demons that prevented him from loving himself (and me).

    A real heads up to ladies this sounds familiar to: YOU CAN’T. He has to love himself and have the capacity for kindness on his own.

    Needless to say, just like a lot of other things (and less vital, like leaving the toilet seat up or ability to distinguish the need to wash black socks & white towels separately), his anger and emotional restraint did not get better. I soon found myself in a situation where my safety was in jeopardy — stressful times, increasing alcohol use, and decreasing willingness to love or connect with me did not help.

    One night (my birthday, actually), I broke the cycle, realizing that this was NOT the life God had intended for me. At the age of 28, I didn’t know how my life would go on, what I would do the next day, week, or much less the rest of my life. I was ashamed and scared.

    I want to share for those that are there and think there’s no way out: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And there is nothing you can or could do differently that would prevent him from acting on what’s in his troubled heart.
    I am happier, healthier, and more thankful for the loving people in my life than before. Although I was single for a few years, which I believe is important in the healing process (this does not mean not being interested or going on dates – just not jumping into another relationship to ‘not be alone’), I have been blessed to be in a relationship with the most amazing, kind, and loving man. Every one of the Good Guy Characteristics ( make me think they were written for him.

    Focus on your own heart & happiness. Don’t settle. Although it seems that “All the good ones are taken” or they “Don’t make them like they used to,” they are out there. God’s probably just saving them for when you’re ready to know them.

  5. This is such a common scenario.. Last week made it a year since I ended it with the “perfect Christian man”.. and it was very similar to this, only that another woman was involved..
    And while I do not want to seem like one of those who just repeat the cliched statement that “I’m single and loving it”, but I truly am enjoying it.. enjoying every moment of intimacy I’ve had with God since … intimacy I’ve been craving and from which I had been pulled away from during the time we were together..
    It made me also realise that while no relationship is perfect, God didn’t intend for us, especially before marriage to have to struggle in love that much.. His love is more than we an everrrrr want ..
    my prayer for all persons, men and women in such situations, is that u keep Jesus at centre, and things at the periphery like a mate would come at the perfect time…

  6. I couldn’t agree more with this. I thought I met my “soulmate”. So many signs that I was too lovestruck to see. We were doing things the right way until we put ourselves in a situation that got us into trouble…. and I got pregnant. After realizing that he was everything but my soulmate, I was faced with the “make it work” attitude. It was hard. An extremely hard 2 years. But there was so much blessing in that pain. You couldn’t be more right….


    I cannot wait to one day find that kind of love!

    1. Kindness is the start of love. It’s the bases on which u strive for. I think it comes from compassion. It will b 7 yrs of marriage THIS year, and I’m in disbelief that we lasted this long & 2kids later. I always mention to my husband “kindness”, if he could be a kind hearted to me as he is to his acquaintances or strangers it would make a world of difference in our relationship. Kindness in just the approach of everything. From speaking,helping, non verbal & body language. I haven’t given up on hope in finding this kind of love…I’m just not sure if it’s with Husband.

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