For most of my life I’ve struggled with finding the perfect match. I spent nights crying over ex-boyfriends, crushes, and everything in between. Lately, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve grown not only physically, but mentally as well. Now I long for something even more; I long for a child.
I am fully aware that it is not in every woman’s heart to have children of her own, and that is completely acceptable. God doesn’t give every woman the same dreams. I know deep down, though, that I am meant to be a mother. I’m only twenty-three and I know I have the rest of my life ahead of me, but as some would say, my clock is going off!
This morning as I sat in church I got extremely choked up and fought the tears back. A girl only a year older than me was sitting with her family joking and adoring her newly-formed baby bump. While I have always wanted kids and have taken care of so many through daycares and babysitting jobs, I have never felt the pain I felt this morning. I’ve always been excited for the day I walk down the grocery aisle and someone makes a comment like, “What a sweet baby!” or, “Oh, they look just like you!” And while this may sound strange, I’ve always been excited to know what it’s like to be pregnant. I want to feel the kicks, the cravings, the bad and the good. Now, I’m fully aware that it’s not all rainbows and butterflies through the process, but I truly believe that it is an experience worth all the pain.
I’ve already started going through a painful part of the process: The aching in my heart. You remember that gut wrenching feeling you had when the so-called love of your life broke up with you? That stinging pain that started in your burning eyes, traveled to that lump in your throat, and caused a dull ache throughout your entire body? Now I feel that when I see someone pregnant or with a new baby. I can’t even call it jealousy because I am truly happy for those people. As luck would have it, my own sister is pregnant and I am honestly so happy for them. No, it’s not jealousy. It’s an emptiness.
It’s an emptiness that has been felt and documented before. Remember Hannah? While reading of Hannah in the Bible, I felt such sympathy toward her. Here is this beautiful, strong woman of God and she believes she has been disgraced in the eyes of God. In those days, a large family was a sign of blessing and her inability to have a child was a punishment. God was punishing her. And even worse? Her husband found a second wife that was able to have children so easily, and boy, did she taunt Hannah about it. Hannah prayed more than any of us probably ever have. She cried and I have no doubt that she felt that horrible pain I mentioned earlier. That’s when God finally answered her prayers. She made the promise to give her child back to God, and because she followed through, she was blessed with even more children! Think how much faith that takes. To not only believe that God would give you a child, but to promise to give him right back?! What a fierce princess she was!
Now when I feel the emptiness and the longing that I so often deal with, I have chosen to remember Hannah. I can be strong. I can be patient. I can trust that He will grant me the desires of my heart.
If this message blessed you, be a blessing by sharing with others.