“God truly gives His people their hearts’ desires.”
Sometimes I get really sick of hearing those words. I’ve read them from multiple people over the past few weeks on Facebook and it stings every time.
I’ve been faithful. I’ve been a follower. I’ve repented for my sins. I’ve worked hard and volunteered harder. I’ve done everything I know to do, but I never got my heart’s desires. Instead, I’ve had to watch every other person in the world, who never even tried, get everything they ever wanted. Scratch that. They got everything I ever wanted.
Automatically I go straight to the question: What did I do wrong? What horrible mistake did I make that took me down this complete wrong road of unhappiness?
I’ve lost a lot of friends in the past few years and I blame it on this crippling depression. The problem with my depression is that no amount of pills or therapy will make it go away. My depression is a deep sense of loneliness that grows more and more with every person that walks out of my life. It grows with every happy couple that walks by.
Last night, I was told I push people away. It’s my own fault. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I do push people away, not because I love being lonely, but because I don’t want to feel the pain of them leaving me down the road.
Since I was a child, my heart’s desire was to have a family. I never thought it was asking too much. I didn’t know it was going to be so hard for me. But God created me to be a sensitive soul. Every harsh word spoken about me stays with me. Every heartbreak I’ve lived through is worn in my sleeve for everyone to see. I’m too scared to open my heart again to anyone, and my fear is keeping me from my goal of a family.
I constantly feel like a burden to everyone around me and in my mind I shouldn’t bother anyone with my dreams. They don’t want to be a part of it. They should run away while they still can. I push them all away because I believe I don’t deserve the desires of my heart. I want to save myself the pain that is bound to come down the road.
I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could let people in and allow myself to have a happy ending, but I wasn’t wired that way.
I hate hearing that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I hate hearing that God is good to those who love him because it makes me feel like I didn’t love Him enough. It makes me feel like a failure in my spiritual life. I’m trying my hardest to remain faithful because everyone keeps telling me I’m “still young” but sometimes convincing yourself you still have time just isn’t enough.
I wish I had advice to others feeling this way, but I don’t. I have no easy fix to a situation like mine. But I’m telling you this so you won’t feel as alone as I do. If you have these thoughts and feelings, I’m praying for you. I’m praying for your happy ending because I know how you feel. I know the pain that grows from emotional to physical. I know the struggle to hold back tears in everyday situations. I know the fake smiles you give each day you live.
I’m praying for you because no one deserves a life like this. We all deserve more than the pain we bear.
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