When They Get Everything I Wanted

In Inspiration by Lauren Sergesketter8 Comments

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“God truly gives His people their hearts’ desires.”
Sometimes I get really sick of hearing those words. I’ve read them from multiple people over the past few weeks on Facebook and it stings every time.
I’ve been faithful. I’ve been a follower. I’ve repented for my sins. I’ve worked hard and volunteered harder. I’ve done everything I know to do, but I never got my heart’s desires. Instead, I’ve had to watch every other person in the world, who never even tried, get everything they ever wanted. Scratch that. They got everything I ever wanted.

Automatically I go straight to the question: What did I do wrong? What horrible mistake did I make that took me down this complete wrong road of unhappiness?

I’ve lost a lot of friends in the past few years and I blame it on this crippling depression. The problem with my depression is that no amount of pills or therapy will make it go away. My depression is a deep sense of loneliness that grows more and more with every person that walks out of my life. It grows with every happy couple that walks by.

Last night, I was told I push people away. It’s my own fault. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I do push people away, not because I love being lonely, but because I don’t want to feel the pain of them leaving me down the road.

Since I was a child, my heart’s desire was to have a family. I never thought it was asking too much. I didn’t know it was going to be so hard for me. But God created me to be a sensitive soul. Every harsh word spoken about me stays with me. Every heartbreak I’ve lived through is worn in my sleeve for everyone to see. I’m too scared to open my heart again to anyone, and my fear is keeping me from my goal of a family.

I constantly feel like a burden to everyone around me and in my mind I shouldn’t bother anyone with my dreams. They don’t want to be a part of it. They should run away while they still can. I push them all away because I believe I don’t deserve the desires of my heart. I want to save myself the pain that is bound to come down the road.

I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could let people in and allow myself to have a happy ending, but I wasn’t wired that way.

I hate hearing that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I hate hearing that God is good to those who love him because it makes me feel like I didn’t love Him enough. It makes me feel like a failure in my spiritual life. I’m trying my hardest to remain faithful because everyone keeps telling me I’m “still young” but sometimes convincing yourself you still have time just isn’t enough.

I wish I had advice to others feeling this way, but I don’t. I have no easy fix to a situation like mine. But I’m telling you this so you won’t feel as alone as I do. If you have these thoughts and feelings, I’m praying for you. I’m praying for your happy ending because I know how you feel. I know the pain that grows from emotional to physical. I know the struggle to hold back tears in everyday situations. I know the fake smiles you give each day you live.

I’m praying for you because no one deserves a life like this. We all deserve more than the pain we bear.

If this message blessed you, be a blessing by sharing with others.

Comments

  1. Lauren,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings on this topic and being so open and truthful. It’s refreshing to hear that I am not the only one that feels like God isn’t listening because I am sad that someone else has my life. Yes, I to am too “sensitive” and push people away because I am sick of getting left standing alone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know these things about myself. Do I wish I could fix it? You betcha!! Do I hate that I remember every negative thing and have no memory of the positives? You betcha, again!!! All these things make me think God wired me wrong. I’ve also begun to think that He’s planned for me to be a “behind the scenes” person. You know, the kind of person everyone comes to for help and support but that’s it the rest of the time I am just apart of the scene and forgotten. So, why is my heart left with a HUGE emptiness that no matter how much I pray it be taken away it’s still aching? I don’t have the answer. I don’t think I ever will. I hope God didn’t make us this way to suffer because He has a cruel sense of humor. I am hoping it’s because the guy isn’t ready yet or because it’s gonna be more amazing than I could imagine.

    I hope that you are that LUCKY and that it is more then you can imagine!!!!

    1. Hi there, I just came across this story, and your grief as well Angela;
      I just wanted to let you both know that though it is hard seeing people receive what you think you have the right to have or experience, push onward, keep your head up, and most importantly trust in God! I know it is almost impossible to believe that God gifts us the desires of our hearts right now, but I promise you it’s true, and God’s timing is just different from ours, be patient and trust in His goodness. Be faithful, and seek the Lord, perhaps there are certain reasons you have not received the desires of your heart yet as Angela stated.
      Enter his gates with thanksgiving (Psalm 100:4) instead of dwelling in despair and heartbreak be thankful for what God has gifted you! Make a list of the top ten best things that have happened to you in your life so far and thank God for it, I guarantee you that you’ll find more then ten! “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” -Psalm 27:14

      And about not fitting in/being in the background and pushing people away, I can tell you that I struggle with the same thing and God has not wired us wrong at all!! God has not made us to suffer, but to receive His son Jesus as Lord, to receive forgiveness, to seek him and worship him, and to come into the fullness of what we were created to be! God has made us all unique and different, some are called to be in the spotlight while others are working behind the scenes, but you know what, each one of us is important in God’s plan!! In fact, God works behind the scenes more often than he works in the spotlight, our God is humble. Yes we are sometimes overlooked and forgotten by people, but we are never forgotten by God, our award is from God not from people.
      And in regards to remembering all of the negative things instead of the positive things, we are called to forgive on another! Once we repent and ask God for forgiveness, he doesn’t remember our sins or things that are negative about us, instead he loves us despite all of our brokenness and failures.

      Being closed off and reserved isn’t a bad thing at all, but by shutting yourself off from the world and others, you are also in a way shutting yourself off from God in the process. Let God into your heart, let God heal your heart and the brokenness inside of you, for he makes beauty from our ashes. Ask God to open your heart, be willing for the Lord to work in you and mold you to what he wants you to become. Surrender to God, that is the only way you’ll be able to overcome that which overcomes you! Do not dwell in bitterness or resentment, do not let those things steal your heart, but bless those who are around you, bless more so those that you think have the life you desire, because this is good in God’s eyes. Yet again, trust in the Lord, seek the Lord daily, he knows your heart, he sees you and he hears you…. do not give up!

      I am praying for both of you and I pray that God will reveal himself and his purpose for your life.

      “God’s way is perfect. All the LORD’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.” Psalm 18:30

  2. I was surprised to see the title to this article.

    I am not “young”…but I spent a great deal of my life raising my autistic son, and when it became apparent I had done a good job and he didn’t “need” me so much in his late teens.

    I asked God to fulfill his promise to me ” to make my latter days better than my beginnings, and to give me that hopeful future”…before it was too late.

    Last year, I saw EVERYTHING I had prayed for go to others, it was almost like something in the universe was tormenting me.

    I thought a man was finally falling in love with me…he chose a 18 year old girl instead, the flowers I had wanted ( haven’t had any for a long time), the “summer of fun” and trips I fantasized about…. she got, another woman got a piece of jewelry I had casually noticed on a TV ad, and thought “it would be nice to have that”…the next day at work she showed me the very piece her husband had gotten her for a gift ( she is recently married, not young and having the time of her life), it got so bad, that I was consciously and deliberately trying to control my thoughts so I wouldn’t see the things I desired go as a blessing to someone else.
    I would listen to an online preacher on Sundays who seemed to also read my mind and encourage me to “not lose hope” my blessing was on it’s way…the next week, would be the same…for a whole year. Even a promotion I wanted went to someone else, a man who can barely tie his shoes. My father has been sick. with life threatening illnesses twice. I feel much like Job…not exactly…but I understand the concept of turning around and seeing another loss, and thinking “what next”. <3
    Fortunately I amazingly am NOT depressed,

    More confused than anything…I have in recent days accepted that I missed the mark somewhere…maybe too desperate, too old, too strong on my own??? I don't know, but I sure thought that I was the only one who felt this way.

    Last Sunday again I heard a sermon "the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord"…I am either not a "good man ( woman) or the Lord doesn't like me much.

    I have said many times in recent months that God either hates me or I am harassed by the god of mischief "Loki"…or surely things would be different.

    But I have good health (so far), great hope ( so far), and a good son ( so far), all things to count as blessings.

    My hope in sharing this, is that you know you helped someone today…AND that there is one other person out there, who is at the end of her journey…that feels the same way…but fortunately I have learned to be content in whatever state I am in, and face each day with joy and hope…and not discouragement and depression. I hope you find that, too!! It's very difficult not to be depressed when you feel the God you love and have dedicated your life too had turned his back on you…but Jeremiah felt that way ( chapter 20), even Jesus asked the father why he had forsaken him…its natural to wonder in our dark times…WHY""

    Everyday we live young lady brings a chance for change, and a chance for a miracle. Please don't give up…I know it all seems very desperate, lonely and painful.

    But being alone, wanting good things, is not as bad as being with someone who is not "good" to you and would hurt you. Wait, don't give up, and believe….we both might just be surprised as to what is in store for us….EVEN today, a snowy winter's Wednesday in 2015….here's to hope, for two very special friends of God 🙂 <3

  3. Thank you all for your transparency and courage. I’m praying for you all and for a supernatural turnaround. I know how you feel all too well, but there will be victory. The Lord gave a word to me early this year and told me I have GOT to work on my mind. Work on my thoughts. For we don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. My mind has been a battleground all my life—perhaps blame my sensitive nature. I’m very observant and I take a lot in in order to make sense of things. Proverbs 3:5 was a God send because I’ve done a little too much “leaning” on my own understanding my 27 years of life. I’m a work in progress as we all are; however, I know my test this year is my mind and I’m ready for the challenge. I believe the storm is so strong right now because I’m doing something RIGHT. The enemy is real–don’t forget. I was inspired to type out this scripture for you and as a reminder to myself. May God keep you and may you forever feel His love, power and favor on your lives.

    Psalm 27

    The Lord is my light and my salvation;
    Whom shall I fear?
    The Lord is the strength of my life;
    Of whom shall I be afraid?
    When the wicked came against me
    To eat up my flesh,
    My enemies and foes, They stumbled and fell.
    Though an army may encamp against me,
    My heart shall not fear;
    Though war may rise against me,
    In this I will be confident.
    One thing I have desired of the Lord,
    That will I seek:
    That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    All the days of my life,
    To behold the beauty of the Lord,
    And to inquire in His temple.
    For in the time of trouble
    He shall hide me in His pavilion;
    In the secret place of His tabernacle
    He shall hide me;
    He shall set me high upon a rock.
    And now my head shall be lifted
    up above my enemies all around me;
    Therefore I will over sacrifices of joy
    In His tabernacle;
    I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.
    Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!
    Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
    When You said, “Seek My face,”
    My heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”
    Do not hide Your face from me;
    Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
    You have been my help;
    Do not leave me nor forsake me,
    O God of my salvation.
    When my father and my mother forsake me,
    Then the Lord will take care of me.
    Teach me Your Way, O Lord,
    And lead me in a smooth path,
    because of my enemies.
    Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries;
    For false witnesses have risen against me,
    And such as breathe out violence.
    I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
    That I would see the goodness of the Lord
    In the land of the living.
    Wait on the Lord;
    Be of good courage,
    And He shall strengthen your heart;
    Wait, I say, on the Lord!

    *your victory is just around the corner. God bless 🙂 *

  4. This was so beautiful!
    I have been so confused and upset with myself because I’ve felt like I’m the only one like this, while I haven’t found a way to fix the extreme sensitivity that I have, it’s very comforting to know I’m not the only one who has ever struggled with it

  5. I was in a very sad and hurt place when I posted my first post. It was the day after my ex got married. We had been together for 8 years, making promises and planning a future and building on lie after lie after lie. Then 6 moths ago he came home from vacation and told me he was marrying his first cousin and that I wasn’t good enough to be his wife. God has pulled me through the pain and anguish of the darkness of the last 6 months, but that doesn’t mean I am not angry and hurt by the lesson He chose to teach me. I am starting to see things more clearly and myself differently because of all that I have gone through. I still long for the life that I see others having. Wondering if those desires will ever be fulfilled or if I am just kidding myself. I am praying that God will give me peace and understanding and above all patients. I am holding out hope that there is a man in my future that God is preparing for me, but in the meantime I am going to try to focus my energy on serving the Lord the best I can.

    Rosa, Jaqui, Gwen & Kimberly your words are a gift from God. Thank you!!!

  6. Wow Thank you all…..your posts are truly encouraging and lets me know am not alone, and to be patient and put all my trust in the Lord.

  7. Angela H , I am praying you for, sweet lady. God has a plan for everyone. I can only imagine how horrible it must feel especially when you knew the person for so long. I know a person much shorter than that and my heart still crumbles. But God brings me so much peace and I realize he was saving me from a man who is not for me! Oh, how I deserve so much better! God’s expectations are higher than mine.

    🙂 Keep us updated!

    With love,
    Ali

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