Why We Chose Not To Live Together Before Marriage

In Wife Life by Dorothy Nelson5 Comments


My husband, David, and I made the decision not to live together before getting married. Actually, we both made this decision on our own before we met even each other. Before we got married, people would often ask if we were living together. When I said no, they would ask if I was nervous about marrying someone before living with him. My answer was no.


I will preface this by saying that my post is not meant to be judgmental of anyone who chooses to live together before marriage. I have a number of close friends who lived (or are living together) before marriage, all of whom I respect. However, this post is about why David and I chose not to, and why I am happy we made that decision. 


There are a number of reasons why David and I didn’t want to live together before marriage, but first and foremost, it was because of our faith. It was important for us to wait to live together under the purity of a marriage covenant blessed by God. We wanted to be respectful of Him, and also of each other, by being true to God’s Word. Secondly, we did it out of respect for our parents, family, friends, Church, and acquaintances. We both believe that the way we live our lives is a reflection of our true character and the depth of our devotion to the Lord and His principles. Lastly, we did it for us, though we didn’t necessarily realize it at the time.


Before we were married, when people would find out we lived separately, they’d always ask or say the same things:  

1.            Aren’t you worried you won’t be compatible? 

2.            You could save so much money!


While these are valid points, they weren’t anything we lost sleep over. My response to question 1 was, “No, I am not worried we aren’t compatible. After knowing David for over 8 years, and dating for over 4, I know that we are compatible, and I know that he is the one God chose for me.” We also made the decision to do pre-marital counseling with our pastor, friend, and officiant, Jason, before the wedding. The sessions we had with him were helpful, insightful, and beneficial. We learned a lot about one another, ourselves, and what we expected out of the marriage. I highly recommend any engaged couple to participate in pre-marital counseling prior to the big day, whether Christian-based or not. 


When it came to money, yes, we could have saved thousands by living together before marriage, but that wasn’t the only way to save money. We saved money in other ways, such as living with roommates, or moving back home with our parents. 


Now that we are married, living together is a learning process. I have lived by myself since I graduated from college, so it is an adjustment to live with another person again. It is also an adjustment living with a boy.  I’m sure David would say the same about living with a girl. One of friends recently asked me if living with David is hard. I will say that no, it is not hard. Yes, there are little things we are both getting used to, and yes there are adjustments and compromises we are both making, but all in all, it has been a smooth transition, and we have not been having heated arguments or anything. I’m sure that it will continue to be a learning process, and I’m sure that we will have arguments at some point, but I also know that it is all part of life, and part of marriage, and that we will be able to work them out, God-willing!


I respect everyone’s personal decisions, whether to live together before marriage or not. This is just something that David and I decided was best for us. I am proud of myself and I am happy with our decision. Something that I know sounds cheesy but that I just love is that everything about living together is extra special. Even just watching TV, or making breakfast, or waking up next to each other, it all feels so special and magical! I can’t really explain it. All I know is that I’ve asked others, who didn’t wait to live together, if things felt special or different after marriage, and they either thought I was kidding, or thought I was weird for asking. They all said no. Now, I don’t know if it is like this for everyone, but for us, it is absolutely special. We both felt and still feel this way, so I know it’s not just me being a nerd. 


We are slowly adjusting to each other’s lifestyles and habits. David works full-time, and I am in school full-time and work 2 part-time jobs, so we have different sleeping schedules. We have been really good about sharing the TV and sharing responsibilities with cleaning, chores, etc. We are also adjusting to merging our finances, and taking on each other’s financial responsibilities. We are excited to take Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University starting this January. It came highly recommended to us by our pastor, as well as our wedding planner. We also just celebrated our first Thanksgiving together and got our first Christmas tree together. We’re looking forward to spending Christmas with my family in a couple weeks. We have a full house with our three dogs, but we are settling into our routines and the dogs are adjusting to living together as well. So far, marriage has been such a special, exciting, amazing adventure and we are so thankful for God’s blessings.




Photography Credit: Brian Mullins

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  1. I agree with not living together prior to marriage. For me it’s also based on my beliefs and my relationship with God. Sure I’ve made mistakes in the past but i do believe of not playing married before you are. I want to experience the new and special of living with my husband. I believe this is God’s best for me As I’m trying my best to be obedien to Him. o

  2. I just discovered this website recently & I continue to find auch amazing posts. A lot of which I share the same ideas & morals as other women. It is SO refreshing to know that I am not the only gal out there with the same principles. This is another one of those posts. My parents believe that people should wait until marriage. Therefore, I believe it as well. I also want to wait for God. He did create marriage to be a particularly special relationship & it should not be “played out” before it occurs. Thank you for sharing your morals. It does encourage me in knowing that I have something worth waiting for because I believe that it will be just as you described.

    1. Courtney, I absolutely think you will find it to be worth the wait! 🙂 Marriage is so special, exciting, and beautiful. David and I met 9 years ago and dated for 4 years before we were married. Even after knowing someone SO WELL for SO LONG, being married was (and is) still SO SPECIAL and MAGICAL and NEW. I am praying for you and that day when you get to marry your Prince Charming and feel that magical spark that God designated just for the two of you! 🙂

      1. Thank you for praying for me!! That is very thoughtful & considerate! I will pray for you as well that you continue to grow in your relationship with God & your husband.

  3. So, let’s be blunt and not use euphemisms like “living together”. You’re also saying that, during your entire relationship before you got married, you NEVER share the same bed, and further, had sexual intercourse?

    Because, that’s really the issue. If you found a great apartment where there was a common sitting, eating, and cooking area, but a hallway separated two bedrooms and bathrooms — you could live there all you wanted — but could you keep yourself from having intercourse on the common area sofa?

    And now, back to two separate places – say 10 miles from each other and both generating rent expense – you’re never going to spend a “little extra time” at one place so that intercourse may occur?

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