Why You Don’t Want To Be Desperate For Marriage

In Inspiration, She Speaks, Wife Life by Secret Contributor12 Comments

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I, like a lot of women of the world and of God, held an immeasurable desire to have a husband and be a mother. If there was one thing that I ever knew, it was that I was meant to have a family. So when straight out of high school all of my friends were suddenly starting their families with marriage or children – sometimes not in the right order – and I was left single, it stung.

The age of twenty-two rolled around and I was still single, becoming more involved with the church than I had been as a child in a private Christian school. Time after time, men claiming to want marriage courted me, learned my secrets, promised to be there, gained my love, and left. I remember crying and screaming – literally – to God that if women were here to be a man’s partner, then why was I left out while every woman surrounding me got just that? Was I not good enough?

Men looked at me for my physical appearance alone, was I put on this earth as some sort of sinful temptation? I wanted a family so badly that it trumped my love and trust for God to the point that I eventually left the church to live in the world and all of the deliciously punishable sins that it had to offer.

Eventually, I did come across a man that seemed all too good to be true. He was military, I liked careers. He called me at all hours of the day no matter who he was with, I had an insatiable neediness this fulfilled. He made promises and spoke words dripping of honey… or should I say honey whiskey? I was delusional, in love, and married with in a weeks time.

Yes, I married a man specifically ten days after meeting him. How could that not be God-sent? After all of these men one after one left me, I was finally married, it just had to be an act of God. Right? Wrong. I was so very wrong.

Within one week of marriage he was going out to concerts with women that I didn’t know and drinking himself so silly that I wouldn’t hear from him for almost a 24 hour time period. All the while he told me not to so much as enter an atmosphere where men may possibly be. He was speaking to women on a daily basis that I had never heard of, saving their photos to his phone, and complimenting them. My guy best friend of six years though? He wouldn’t let me speak to him.

Our marriage escalated from accusations to emotional cheating, to physical fights, to having him disappear for days at a time.
Then, I fell pregnant with our first child and I began the journey back to Christ while he moved further and further from what I thought had been a blessing. By the time my first trimester was over I was back in church most sundays, and he had impregnated another woman. I didn’t find out until two months later.

In my haze of wanting to keep my family whole and not wanting to lose my husband because I still believed that this had to be it, he had to be my only husband from God, I gave forgiveness. I spent countless days begging him to reconcile the marriage, countless days being ignored for five hour time periods, countless days laying in bed wondering if he would come home to me, and even a night alone in the hospital after the threat of preterm birth at 22 weeks. I eventually left.

I am now 23 weeks pregnant as I type this, and I wanted women who are suffering turmoil of the heart to know one thing, there is peace. If you find yourself in the same position of desire that I was in, remember one thing; unless he is a man of God, this could be you. If you find yourself with a cheating husband, know this; God does not condone divorce, but he says that the heart of a cheating spouse is hardened and you are freed to remarry.

I sat in church on a night that I had been begging God for answers on if I should keep fighting, the pews were nearly empty, and I sat on one side of the room alone. The assistant pastor began the weekly bible study and not a word spoken was intended for any other individual in that room other than me. It was a revelation, a blessing, a humbling experience that a God who I have blatantly disrespected would speak to me. I was asked afterwards if I would stay with my husband or end the marriage and at the time, I didn’t know. It hasn’t been a full week yet and more truths, lies, and women have been exposed. And, I found peace in it.

God can and will push you out of a situation that does not grow you as His, you only need ask that he provides the answers you seek. Now, I don’t know if I will suddenly find the man He intended for me or if he will come years from now. I don’t know how single men within the church will view a single mother carrying another’s child. There’s a lot of “I don’t know”‘s, but in the end I do know that God is making things happen for me the way he intends them. All I need to do is trust.

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Comments

  1. Ashley

    As God spoke to you, he is speaking through you. And he delivered the same truth to me. Thank you for sharing your story so more of us can be saved and start living the life God truly has for us. I will pray for you and your little one, may you be blessed in every way.

    1. Lily Lim

      Hi Ashley,

      I read your blog. Thank you for sharing. I empathized with the situation you are currently having it. I am facing obstacles too myself.

      I constantly remind myself that the Lord is so powerful. He created Us. He brings balance in our lives. Because He does, He will bring us to any obstacles we are currently facing.

      My prayers go out to you Ashley.

      Take care.

  2. Kylie

    I find your strength inspiring. I have fallen victim to desire too many times when it comes to relationships. I understand your heart. I also know that your strength and faith will lead you to success as a mother. I pray God sends you the perfect man to be your perfect partner. Until then, God will provide you with all the support you will need. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

  3. Janie

    You are so brave to share your story… Hang in there, sister-in-Christ… if any of us know anything, it’s that He is faithful in providing what we need most… Whatever tomorrow looks like, He will be there to comfort us in His big, bear-hug of love that makes the world and all worries disappear…

  4. sheila

    Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you, as well as for my daughters-but be reassured that God has plans for you, my daughters & for me too. It took me a very long time & many years of pain, betrayal to learn to be content to wait on God & not what I thought was His will for me.

  5. Guest

    Thank you so much for sharing this. There are many women out there that are struggling with similar situations–trust me! This will be a blessing to them.

    I’m a single mom and while my story isn’t exactly the same, it’s similar. I will tell you this. My son is a pre-teen now and for years I have been struggling with trying to find him a new, better, father figure than the one that he has until recently when I had a conversation with my pastor who God used to reveal to me that my accepting Jesus and giving my son’s life to God when he was a baby and I was newly single was the most important thing I could have done at that time and now, years later, it shows. My son is an upstanding member of the church who is always looking to help others and who loves everyone.

    He’s a great kid even though his earthly father is a horrible example for him. Even though his mother has never had a successful relationship and has struggled financially. My son loves Jesus and that is the most important thing you can give to your child as you raise them.

    I know this post was meant to inspire other women, I just want you to know that you are doing the absolute best thing possible for your baby by taking care of yourself and giving yourself and your child back to God. You will be so blessed! He will take such good care of you and your little one!

  6. Jules

    What a warrior woman you are. Thank you for this, your strength gives me hope. This is the middle, not the end – for all of us really. Your story reminds me a lot of the blogger, Maskcara. She found her happily ever after in a less than ideal way, you will too! Hey and me too lol. And I’m sure one day you’ll find that your children are crazy proud of the courageous woman you are. Your heart inspires me!

  7. Guest

    I am so sorry you had to go through this painful experience. I can’t imagine how difficult it was to finally let him go as well as the dream you always had of marriage. The part that hit home with me was “Time after time, men claiming to want marriage courted me, learned my secrets, promised to be there, gained my love, and left …Was I not good enough?”. Honey, they weren’t good enough for you, and men may have been intimidated with someone so beautiful and smart as you. I too, now in my early 50’s and never married, have waited a very long time for God to deliver my partner to me. Then one day I met Him. A man who was interested in learning all my secrets, promising to guard my heart and be the man of my dreams and discussing marriage within 2 weeks. After one month’s time, just after sharing how much he loved me so much, he left forever over a small spat – he never wanted to discuss it with me, just ignored me and moved on. Seeing a Christian man do this tore me to pieces and left me broken, but I know God saved me from even further heartache. I would suggest for any women out there, to never marry a man unless you’ve had a major spat with him to see how he handles things. Lesson learned for me and now I will take things slower and not give my heart away so easily. It still hurts to think about but with God’s strength and direction, He’ll lead me to the right one worthy of a daughter of the king, which goes for you too. <3

  8. Luba Brenne

    It is so painful to read your story! I deeply feel for you! And I also feel sad that there is very little teaching in church to young ladies like you about HOW to attract a worthy man, HOW to be happy in marriage. There are clear reasons why some women easily find a great guy and some other stumble and experience missery! That is what I am trying to write about at my blog lovedhappyinspired.com

    Blessings,
    Luba Brenne

  9. Lolita_Merz

    This is a lesson, to all the girls showing themselves off desperately to any male at any wedding, social setting, church or even a bar! Please stop, and be informed that usually those “attractive guys” are taken!

  10. TheHonestTruth

    Well there are many of us Good single men still available which it is very difficult for us to meet a Good woman that is Not so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and very money hungry which is why many of us men still are.

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