My life was always marked by brokenness.
I didn’t know what it was, but I always had this need to prove myself. I wanted to feel important, validated, and loved. Growing up, I tried to heal this brokenness in so many different ways. First, I tried to fix it through approval. I thought that if I could get everyone to like me or accept me this deep feeling of dissatisfaction would fade and I would be happy. Time passed and I found out that I could never win the approval of everyone, so I was left even more broken.
Next, I tried to fix myself through success. I thought if I could get that 4.0, then I would be happy. I studied as hard as I could, but whenever I made anything below a 95, it was a psychological cataclysm. It wrecked me. I knew this wasn’t the answer to my quandary.
As I got older I tried to fix my brokenness through boys and being attractive. I got the most attractive, popular, fun boyfriend I could. I loved him. I tried to heal myself through intimacy with him. It was not long before I found out he wasn’t the answer to my problem. So I tried drinking. I tried having the most fun I could possibly have. I tried going out every night and numbing the brokenness. Eventually it would go away right?
Seeking healing through these avenues left me more broken than I ever had been.
The most pivotal moment of my life happened in May 2014. I was done. My brokenness had reached its culmination. I was walking with my boyfriend at the time and I stopped dead in my tracks. I looked up at him, tearing brimming my eyes, and I asked, “why do you love me?” I didn’t understand how anyone in their right mind could love someone as broken as me. I didn’t understand how He could love me because I hated me. I hated everything about myself.
Immediately after that happened, I got in my car, drove to Austin, and remember sitting in a church service and hearing the Gospel of Jesus explained. I weeped like I never had before. The weight of my sin and brokenness was lifted off my shoulders. I learned that Jesus, who was fully man and fully God, came to earth, lived the perfect life, died the death that I deserved so that I could be transformed back into the original design God had for me. I knew because of my brokenness, I wouldn’t be able to go back into His original design for me. I needed a way.
Jesus is the only way to heal brokenness.
He makes all things new. I was a new creation. I was free from the sin that dictated my life. I was free from the fear, shame, and guilt that plagued every step I took. Jesus chose me, rescued me, and is now transforming me every day back into the original design that He had intended for His children. Don’t get me wrong, I still mess up. I still mess up bad. I still struggle with identity issues, sadness, sexual sin, and feeling inadequate. But now these sins point me to the cross. My struggles make me realize just how great our God is and how desperately I need Him. The most beautiful thing is that in our weakness, God’s strength is displayed perfectly. We are not called to perfection, we are called to glorify God.
That is why I know it is my calling to go back into brokenness and share my story. So as you finish this article, I want you to ask yourself, do you think that you are living your life in brokenness like I was or in God’s perfect design for you?