I, like a lot of women of the world and of God, held an immeasurable desire to have a husband and be a mother. If there was one thing that I ever knew, it was that I was meant to have a family. So when straight out of high school all of my friends were suddenly starting their families with marriage or children – sometimes not in the right order – and I was left single, it stung.
The age of twenty-two rolled around and I was still single, becoming more involved with the church than I had been as a child in a private Christian school. Time after time, men claiming to want marriage courted me, learned my secrets, promised to be there, gained my love, and left. I remember crying and screaming – literally – to God that if women were here to be a man’s partner, then why was I left out while every woman surrounding me got just that? Was I not good enough?
Men looked at me for my physical appearance alone, was I put on this earth as some sort of sinful temptation? I wanted a family so badly that it trumped my love and trust for God to the point that I eventually left the church to live in the world and all of the deliciously punishable sins that it had to offer.
Eventually, I did come across a man that seemed all too good to be true. He was military, I liked careers. He called me at all hours of the day no matter who he was with, I had an insatiable neediness this fulfilled. He made promises and spoke words dripping of honey… or should I say honey whiskey? I was delusional, in love, and married with in a weeks time.
Yes, I married a man specifically ten days after meeting him. How could that not be God-sent? After all of these men one after one left me, I was finally married, it just had to be an act of God. Right? Wrong. I was so very wrong.
Within one week of marriage he was going out to concerts with women that I didn’t know and drinking himself so silly that I wouldn’t hear from him for almost a 24 hour time period. All the while he told me not to so much as enter an atmosphere where men may possibly be. He was speaking to women on a daily basis that I had never heard of, saving their photos to his phone, and complimenting them. My guy best friend of six years though? He wouldn’t let me speak to him.
Our marriage escalated from accusations to emotional cheating, to physical fights, to having him disappear for days at a time.
Then, I fell pregnant with our first child and I began the journey back to Christ while he moved further and further from what I thought had been a blessing. By the time my first trimester was over I was back in church most sundays, and he had impregnated another woman. I didn’t find out until two months later.
In my haze of wanting to keep my family whole and not wanting to lose my husband because I still believed that this had to be it, he had to be my only husband from God, I gave forgiveness. I spent countless days begging him to reconcile the marriage, countless days being ignored for five hour time periods, countless days laying in bed wondering if he would come home to me, and even a night alone in the hospital after the threat of preterm birth at 22 weeks. I eventually left.
I am now 23 weeks pregnant as I type this, and I wanted women who are suffering turmoil of the heart to know one thing, there is peace. If you find yourself in the same position of desire that I was in, remember one thing; unless he is a man of God, this could be you. If you find yourself with a cheating husband, know this; God does not condone divorce, but he says that the heart of a cheating spouse is hardened and you are freed to remarry.
I sat in church on a night that I had been begging God for answers on if I should keep fighting, the pews were nearly empty, and I sat on one side of the room alone. The assistant pastor began the weekly bible study and not a word spoken was intended for any other individual in that room other than me. It was a revelation, a blessing, a humbling experience that a God who I have blatantly disrespected would speak to me. I was asked afterwards if I would stay with my husband or end the marriage and at the time, I didn’t know. It hasn’t been a full week yet and more truths, lies, and women have been exposed. And, I found peace in it.
God can and will push you out of a situation that does not grow you as His, you only need ask that he provides the answers you seek. Now, I don’t know if I will suddenly find the man He intended for me or if he will come years from now. I don’t know how single men within the church will view a single mother carrying another’s child. There’s a lot of “I don’t know”‘s, but in the end I do know that God is making things happen for me the way he intends them. All I need to do is trust.
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